09 Jan First-Gen Voices Interview Transcript: Alexis

Interviewer: Lux Darkbloom & Jimena Prieto Andrew
Interview Subject: Alexis Rosas 

Lux: Thanks for being here with us today. I was wondering if you could please tell us a little bit about your life and your story. Just basically what you would like the listeners to know about you. 

Alexis: Yes. I mean, thank you for the invitation, obviously. I think this is great. About me, I’m Alexis Rosas. I am from Mexico. I was born here in Salt Lake. I was actually born at the University of Utah Hospital. But I was raised in Mexico. So my parents took me to Mexico when I was less than a year…probably like a year old. So I do have no recollection of that. Also, so I was raised in Mexico, like my whole life, like I didn’t do anything. And to me, I always feel like I’m like an outsider because when I was in Mexico, everyone told me, “Oh, you’re from the U.S. Like you’re an American. Even my nickname. Me dicen “Guero.” So it’s easier because I’m from here. And también, when I was in Mexico, I was moving a lot to the states in Mexico. So every part I go, I was never from there. And then I came to the U.S. when I was like 18…19-years-old–about four or five years ago. And then I came here and I realized, like, I’m not from here either. Like I cannot say, “Oh, I’m from Utah because now I’m from Mexico.” But when I was in Mexico, I was from here. So I have always had that feeling. And I feel like just with college in general, it was kind of the same thing. Because when I came to the U.S., I came pretty much with the same goals and motivation as everyone else, like who emigrates here. I came to work, make money and help my family. You know, like that was kind of my plan. I didn’t have a school in my mind at all. I was here straight just to come and work. But as I got here, I mean, I didn’t know I didn’t know any English. I was like, I need to learn English first for me to do more things. So I enrolled in high school, and I think [that was] half of my sophomore or junior year and then the senior year of high school used to learn English. But as I was there, I mean, I was learning. But also I kind of saw the opportunities that there are for me to go to college. You know, for me, obviously, like I am first generation. So like now my parents or my siblings haven’t gone to college. And that was something I didn’t ever thought I would do it. And there was this presentation from our college advisor at my high school where they explain their scholarships, what they look for, personal statements, and all of that. And I look at the requirements and I was like, I feel like I can do it. Like my grades were OK. I was not a straight A student, but I was pretty good. So I would consider myself average. But I still did it. And I kind of just remember telling my story. Everyone liked it, telling them about how I was moving along, the challenges I faced just growing up. I was just with one parent. My first 10 years of life, I lived with my mom. And then the rest of my life, I live only with my dad. So I kind of had both sides. And then just…another thing is I realized there’s people here that are trying to help. Scholarships, programs–they’re just trying to help others…so what I was trying to get [at] is, yeah, the college was not in my mind until the presentation. So I thought, like, I can try. I will just apply just to see what happens. So there was this day where we can apply to all the colleges for free–because I didn’t know you have to pay to apply for colleges. Well, as I hear free, I was like, yeah, I’m doing it. If it’s free, I do it. So I applied to every college here in Utah. I applied to University of Utah, Utah State, UVU, all of them. And I wasn’t expecting much. And then to my surprise, I did get responses.

I got accepted in multiple colleges, which for me was, like, that was crazy. And then I saw the prices and how much college is. I’m like, I cannot pay that. Like, I just can’t. So I was back thinking, you know, like I should just start working and help my family. Then I remember talking with my siblings–I have two older brothers–and I talked to them and they were like, “No,you should focus on studying. Like, yes, you can make probably more money than we can over here…if your focus is money, you can make more with a college degree or, like, you can have a better life. Like you, you won’t have to do something that you don’t like. [You] can actually try to [get] a better life that we did, the better life than our parents did.” So I was like, they kind of motivated me to keep pushing for college. So I started looking through for scholarships because I mean, like I didn’t know where to look. I didn’t know what to ask. I didn’t know anything. Luckily, I have a cousin who was going to the U at the time. And he told me, like, “Yeah, there’s a lot of scholarships, especially you. You have a good story. You have good grades. You’re a good student, good person, right? I don’t see why not.” So I start preparing myself. I think it was by the middle of my senior year, so I felt like it was pretty late because all the requirements for scholarships, they were like, “Oh, you need to be involved. What are some extracurricular activities? What are some AP classes? What are some that you’re taking?” And I didn’t do anything of that. Like I was not involved in clubs. I was not in honors classes or AP. The only AP I took was AP Spanish, of course…so I didn’t have anything of that. I was like, I’ll do it because why not? I just do it. So I did apply for scholarships, and the same thing with college. I applied to every single scholarship that I saw, I applied to it. And then again, it was just like it keeps showing me that I could do something because I hear responses. I got accepted into multiple scholarships, and I got a big one. Here at the U, I got a full ride…I was like, I need to do [it] if I’m getting a full ride, there is no excuse for me to not go to college…So that’s how I ended up entering college and my career. And then after that, my freshman year, I remember going back and presenting to these high school students and telling them that they should still do it. Like for me, like I said before, college was not in my plan at all. I did not feel like I belong here. I did not feel prepared. I did not feel like I was supposed to be here. But I’m here, you know. I’m here, I’m doing it. I feel like I can. I feel like anyone can, even if they’re not involved. They don’t have the perfect grades, even if they’re not the perfect student. Because I see multiple, especially in high school, students who are stressed about it, who are stressed about college, that they feel like they need to be involved. They need to be in student government. They need to be in clubs. They need to do all these things to do that. And those people, those students who don’t do that, they sometimes get like…no se, Jimena, ayudame. Como se dice, como que no tienen la motivación. They don’t have the motivation. They feel like they’re not enough to go to college. I don’t know how to explain that. They’re not worth it, like you could say. But I say the contrary, like they should still apply. There is a chance. Like I did it. I know anyone can do it. I mean, like I did it without knowing the language, without the extracurriculars, without anything. And I’m here, and now I know more students who are kind of like me, who has the same story. So, yes. Yeah. I don’t know if you have any other question, clarification.

Lux: Out of curiosity, is this your second year of school?

Alexis: Here in college, I’m a junior, so it will be my third year. 

Lux: OK, awesome. What’s your major? I’m not sure if you’ve mentioned that yet.

Alexis: No, I haven’t. So with the Fulbright scholarship, there was one specific requirement where I need to do business. So any major in the field of business. And right now I’m undeclared, but I’m leaning toward finance or accounting. 

Lux: Cool. Nice.

Jimena: Also, you didn’t need my help. [Laughs] You didn’t need my help. You came up with the word.

Alexis: I get confused sometimes, but it’s okay.

Jimena: That’s okay.

Alexis: If I’m speaking too fast, let me know because I feel like I’m stressing out. It’s fine.

Jimena: Okay, we will, we will. Yeah. And you can talk as fast and slow, we’re okay.

Lux: So are you full time in school right now?

Alexis: Yes. Actually, I am taking a lot of credits right now. I’m taking 18 credits. And then I have two jobs as well. I’m working with the First-Gen [Scholars] program. I’m a student leader, where I get to build a curriculum for the class…And I’m also a building manager here at the union, the student union building. Both of them are part time. But yeah, it takes time. So I would say I’m a full-time student and full-time employee as well.

Lux: How do you balance all of that? Like between work and school? And then I imagine you have some kind of social life, I hope. [Laughs] Not all study and work.

Alexis: I mean, now that you mentioned social life, I feel like I do not have as much as I will want to. But I work and school–it is difficult. I remember the first time I kind of had to balance it out was my sophomore year. So, last year, I was working as well, two jobs. I was working with the TRIO programs. I was their office assistant. And I was also working at the Panda Express here at the union building. So I’ve been always doing that. And at the beginning, it was more like I didn’t know what to prioritize. Like for me, like I mentioned before, I was very focused, like, “Oh, I need to work. I need to make money.” And I feel like now as a college student, sometimes you don’t see that. Like, it’s hard to see like the…como digo, como los frutos de mi trabajo, 

Lux: Oh, yeah. Like the fruit of your labors.Yeah.

Alexis: Yes, it is hard to see because I can get good grades and all of that. But when you’re working, you get like the actual cash, you get money. And that’s what I needed. Also, I don’t know if I mentioned when I was telling about my story, but I’m here by myself. So all my family is back in Mexico, like my parents, my siblings, everyone is in Mexico. So I’m here by myself. So I need to support myself. So I need to work. I need to pay my own bills, to do all these things so I can not be out of job. So just like for me [unintelligible] is more like focusing on what’s important because sometimes it could feel like it’s more [like the] job is more important than school is because I need to pay something, like when I had to pay like my phone bill. And if I don’t put in the hours, I don’t get paid. And then they can cut my line or something.

Lux: Yeah.

Alexis: And then we also need to focus on school because I mean, I have a scholarship. So that means I need to get good grades. I need to be on track to graduation so they can still pay for my education. So just prioritizing what’s best and also just surrounding your[self with] people who know what’s best for you. Like for me, when I started working with TRIO, I had a great person here who helped me a lot, like Joanna and Jimena as well. She was always here. And they will tell me, like, “Don’t worry too much about work. Focus on school,” and like to not stress too much about it. So I feel like just looking for jobs where the people actually care about you as a student and they help you is very, very important. That is why also I ended up quitting Panda Express because the job was different because I was a cook. So I would just go and cook the food and be in the kitchen and do anything else other than that. Whereas here as a student leader, there are times that I can be in the space working, but I also could be doing my homework. And I have a space, and I have the support. I know if I told my mentor Jimena, like, “Oh, I need to do this homework. I need to study for this exam.” I know she will tell me, like, “Go ahead. Study, focus on your exam.” So I would say looking for those specific places is very important. As well with the building manager position, it’s the same. Like I get to have an office and they told me in the description, they were like, “Yeah, there’s some things that you need to do. Well, you can use this space as well if you need to do homework, if you need to do a meeting.” If you’re just, like, looking for help…a lot of students don’t like to ask for help. Like they feel too proud to do it. Like I remember that happened to me. I remember when I asked my cousin about scholarships, I feel weak. I didn’t feel good asking for help, but one of the things he told me is, like, “Don’t be afraid to ask for help…I remember he told me, like, “You need the help so ask for it. Like, don’t make your life more difficult than it already is.” So you’re asking for help, and don’t be afraid to ask your bosses for permissos para que tu puedas hacer tus cosas en la escuela. Simplemente hazlo como no importa.

Lux: I think that’s really important advice because that is so difficult. I mean, imagine if you had had two jobs off campus that were for employers who are less flexible, that is challenging. It’s already so difficult. So it’s a really wise strategy to work on campus and find employment that is willing to accommodate your school schedule. That’s really important. Do you live on campus also or do you live off campus?

Alexis: Yeah, I do live on campus. So thankfully, my scholarship covers it so I’m able to live here on campus.

Lux: That’s awesome. I’m so glad to hear that.

Jimena:  Oh, I have one quick question. Alexis, what is the scholarship that you have?

Alexis: I have First Ascent. First Ascent Scholarship to the business school here at the University of Utah.

Jimena: Nice. I was just curious, just in case, you know, there’s anyone listening that’s maybe interested in business or whatever. Maybe they could apply or just know that there is a scholarship called that.

Alexis: Yeah, that’s what I was doing my freshman year, like kind of promoting the scholarships because they didn’t receive a lot of applicants at the beginning. So that’s First Ascent. They have a website. You can look it up. And then the requirements are pretty simple. They require a 3.0 GPA in high school, which is, I feel like, doable. And even if you’re not there, they’re very open-minded. They’re able to help. Another thing that I really like about this scholarship, and compared to others, is that they do help also students who are not citizens, who does not have social security. They also help immigrant students a lot. Even sometimes a student cannot apply for FAFSA. And even if you don’t have FAFSA, they’re able to help you. So, yes. 

Lux: The business school also offers some resources for first-gen students. Is that right?

Alexis: Yeah, they have some other programs, like they have the Office of Student Belonging, I believe it’s called, if I’m pronouncing it right. Before it was called the Office for Student Incorporation. I do not remember very well the name. But there’s this office where most of the scholarships are housed, like Opportunity Scholars, another great scholarship. They cover full tuition, and they can also help you with other things. And then First Ascent Scholarship. And then they’re in this office on the third floor, where you can go and ask for help. They have advisors, they have mentors, and they even offer mental health, like counselors who are able to help you if you’re going through something. And all of that is free, of course. We want free stuff.

Lux: Absolutely. Absolutely.

Jimena: Because who doesn’t love free stuff?

Lux: Yeah, that and like tuition costs and all of the associated fees. I think it’s time for some free stuff to come to students.

Jimena: A hundred percent.

Lux: So thinking back to when you first made the decision to go to college, were there any specific people, maybe a teacher or somebody in your family or even a particular experience that played a role in that choice? Like I know you mentioned future employment, but I’m wondering if there are any folks who encouraged you or supported you through that?

Alexis: Yes. I mean, like I mentioned, my two older siblings, they’ve been always there for me and they were always advocating for my education. Also my parents. I mean, like who doesn’t want their kid to go to college? So when I mentioned to them that I was interested in going to college, they were all for it. So they were like, “Yeah, you should do it.” And mostly, here in the U.S., I have this cousin, Giovanni…he helped me a lot. He was here in college. He was attending the U at the time. And he’s the one that, once I showed interest in college, he was like, “Yes, you need to do this. You need to contact this person, you know, to to create your personal statement, to apply for this, apply for that.” And yeah, I would say he [is] mostly still my mentor, and he’s the person that helped me the most in getting to college and also hype it up enough for me to say, yes, I want to do that. And then at school, I had a college advisor who told me like I was able to do it. But I also had bad experiences. Like I remember I had this counselor, I think it’s what I call them in high school, the ones that help you pick your classes. I remember they told me to wait and not apply for college right after high school. They told me kind of like, “You need to learn English first and then go to college because it’ll be too difficult for you.” So I took that like, now I feel like I can do it even then. Just to prove them wrong. So I still did it. Also my ESL teacher–beause I was in all the ESL classes in high school–my ESL teacher, she helped me a lot. She’s the one that helped me build my personal statement. I remember I was with her even after school. She was there with me for like one more hour, helping me redoing my essay because I had to redo my essay like seven, eight times. But yeah, so I would say my siblings, my cousin, my parents, and my ESL high school teacher. 

Lux: That’s so cool. It’s like we always say, it takes a village to raise a child, but I think it really takes a village to get through higher ed.

Alexis: Yes, definitely. Because even for me, like I was just thinking about it, and then it made me think also like, Do I need to really learn English before going to college? I mean, I feel like I did know enough English. But sometimes it’s just like, I know it will be difficult. And even for me, I still find challenges with my understanding of English, but I’m still doing it. This just remind[ed] me of when I was doing the interview for my scholarship–because they do interview rounds when you apply–and I remember one of my interviews, I was struggling to talk because, at the time, I didn’t know enough to talk comfortably in English. And I was struggling. And then my eyes start to tear up. And then the people who were interviewing me, they knew Spanish, and they told me, like, “You can continue in Spanish if you want.” But I remember I told them, “No, like I need to do this, and I need to do it in English, because if I’m going to be here, I know there will be some places where there’s not going to be someone who speaks and understands Spanish.” And then I feel like that helped me a lot in my application. I feel like they really liked that. And also just for me, like if I want to do something, I just need to do it, no matter how difficult it is. And I told them that if they were to take me, to accept me in the scholarship, that it will be difficult for them, too, to have a student like me because I know I will require more help than others…I have my mentor for the First Ascent Scholarship. My mentor is Eric Hara. And Eric told me, after some time, that he remembered when they did the interview with me that he told them, like, “Yeah, I can take care of him.” And then I take up the challenge. Because it was something they were kind of deciding on how challenging it will be for me to be here in college because of my language, my background. And I didn’t know anything. So even for them, I was a risk, you could say, because if I don’t graduate, the graduation rate will go down. And then if I don’t do stuff–I know the scholarship, they help you now, but they expect something back. So they told me that they were willing to take the risk with me just because of my personality and how I am. Like, I also want to take the risk. I also want to take on the challenge and do the stuff I want to do.

Lux: Could you tell us a little bit about what it was like when you had your very first semester on campus?

Alexis: Yes, my very first semester, I was more excited than afraid, I would say. I couldn’t believe it. There are still, some days, that I cannot believe that I’m here. Because on my first semester, I remember just walking through campus, and it’s a big campus for me. It was huge. A lot of people, a lot of students, and a lot of new things. And then I would just remind myself when I was in Mexico, like I could never imagine myself in this position. Like when I was, I don’t know, like 10-years-old, like 11-years-old…era chamaquito, sin camisa, descalzo, allí en las calles de tierra corriendo, esa era yo, ¿me explico? Como no, jamás en mi vida me había imaginado que iba a estar acá. First of all, I never imagined I would come back to the U.S. I always picture my life back in Mexico. So coming here was so different. And then getting into college, getting into the University of Utah was also something I could never imagine. But I did it. Yeah, it was great. I was very motivated. I mean, I’m still motivated. But I think on my very first semester, I was trying my best to do things, but I also got afraid as I got to know more people. Because I know these other students, other people from my scholarship, other people in my classes, and they were like, “Oh, how was your life in high school?” And everyone was like, “Oh, yeah, I did these honors courses. I did these AP courses. I had so many credits already for college. I already completed my gen eds.” And then I started comparing myself to them. And then I feel behind. I still feel like I’m kind of behind. And then there were so many things that everyone has accomplished. They were so involved in high school. And I was still thinking about that. But then I was going back to my cousin, I talked to them. And he’s like, “Well, you’re still in the same room with them. That doesn’t matter. Like everyone is on the same boat. Like don’t stress too much about it.” And I feel like that really helped me. I mean, it is true. I’m here as well. We just have different paths, different things that we have done. And my accomplishments are different than their accomplishments. So, yeah, I don’t know if that answers the question.

Lux: Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And we kind of talked about this a little bit earlier that your scholarship restricts your areas of study to business.

Alexis: Yes.

Lux: But in terms of other factors, what do you think influenced you to choose accounting and finance? 

Alexis: Yeah, I mean, my scholarship does influence a lot. Because like I mentioned, since I didn’t have the idea of going to college…I didn’t have idea what to study. I didn’t know what I want to do. There were some things that I kind of was interested in. But no, not really. So once I got the scholarship, I knew I had to do business. I’m like, what do I like in business? So I look at all the majors, like accounting, finance, marketing, OSC [Operations and Supply Chain], and QAMO [Quantitative Analysis of Markets & Organizations], and all of that. And then I kind of start thinking to myself, like, what can I do? And I don’t feel like I’m really good with numbers or stuff like that. But once I took classes, like the introduction classes for all the majors, I did better on finance. That’s the class where I got an A. I did really good in all the exams, and I really liked the content. And then I also did like accounting. And for that, it was different. I feel like I could understand things better than marketing or management or the other majors. I feel like those two were the ones where I feel like I get it. Like I know how to do this. And also thinking after college, I feel like any business major can help me get in any industry I want. Like I have seen some positions that interest me, like I feel like I want to do that. I remember talking maybe with Jimena, telling her that I’ve been interested to work with students, like I really enjoy working with students. When I was working with TRIO, I was kind of doing the same job. I was just there with students, helping them. And then I’ve been always kind of interested in education. But I wouldn’t want to be a teacher. Like I see myself more like an advisor. So something like that, I feel like I could do. And even with a finance or accounting degree, I feel like there’s some easy ways I can relate that. So if I get a finance degree and I can go and work for a nonprofit, I can work for a program like the First-Generation [Scholars], I can work for a TRIO program, or just any other program that focuses on students in it. And yeah, I feel like that can help me get into that.

Lux: Yeah, I think that’s really wise because so much of student support is around navigating all of these complex financing systems and stuff like that.

Alexis: Yeah, because for me, I don’t see myself working at a bank or stuff like that, which is, I think, the more typical thing where all the business students who just want to go work at the bank or an insurance company and then gain a lot of money and work all day. I feel like, for me, it would be more rewarding to go and work at an office where I can see how my actions are helping other students to not struggle as much as I did. It’s kind of like the main thing I always say with all these positions I get. And I know like everything has some financial accounting in it, like pretty much everything. 

Lux: It’s so true. So these next few questions are going to address the more practical aspects of your life or actually…et’s skip ahead. Let’s focus more on the relationships in your life that helped you with navigating this larger system of the university. So the experience of a first-gen student often involves discovering new resources and support services. What kind of key factors or support systems have you found the most helpful as a college student?

Alexis: I mean, yes, as a first-generation. I feel like everyone here, if you ask them, what is it like being first-gen, everyone will say not knowing anything, not knowing what’s on campus, not knowing the resources. Like even for me, I remember, I wasn’t part of First-Gen [Scholars] my first year. I would love to, but I didn’t know about it. And then when I knew about it, it was too late. So then looking for other ways to get involved, I feel like it’s very important for me. I said, like, use the people that you hang out with, the other students in your classes, you can hang out with them and say, like, “Oh, they’re having this event at the First-Gen space. Come, there’ll be food.” And then you go get food, meet other people, meet the resources, and then get to learn more about them. And then I would say to know about resources as a first-gen, the easiest way is just to learn from other people because when you walk into a classroom and you see someone who looks like you, you talk to them, you make that connection. You even look at each other and you both know, like, yeah, we got each other. So you meet them, and they have some resources, and then you have some resources to provide. And that’s kind of, I feel, like how it works here at the U, or any higher education system. They’re just among us. Also here, I’ve seen a lot of promotions, like through social media. I know, every office has their Instagram page, so you just kind of share in that and then you can see the events and the food–because the food is like the main thing at the events here. Like as a college student, you don’t have sometimes enough money or enough time to cook or to buy food. So if you see like, “Oh, there’s this event that they would talk about networking or something like that, and there will be food.” So you go, get information about that, and then get some food. And then I feel like the same thing here with the First-Gen [Scholars]. You come to the First-Gen Space, you learn about others, you learn about some resources, some skills, and you get food. So just looking for events, I would say. Yeah, I don’t know if that kind of answers the question.

Lux: That’s perfect. That’s great. It kind of leads us into our next question really well, actually. So being the first in your family to go to college requires a lot of determination and resourcefulness. How do you think being first-gen status has shaped your academic journey at the U, if it has?

Alexis: I mean, yeah, so first-gen, when you’re the first one in your family, there are a lot of things that you cannot explain to them. Like even to this day, I cannot explain to my parents everything that I’m doing. I cannot…I told them that I got a full ride scholarship, and they were like, “Oh, good job.” But I don’t feel like they understand what really is a full ride scholarship. And then also like with my family, when I tell them like, “Oh, I’m taking that many credits,” and they don’t understand. So just to be resourceful. It’s like I cannot go to them and ask them for help because they just don’t know. Like I don’t expect them to know. How can they know about college in general? So I come back to saying that looking for help and not being afraid to ask for help it is really important. And also, I don’t remember who told me this, but I received this advice to get comfortable in the uncomfortable. I don’t know if that makes sense. Like putting yourself in an uncomfortable position, that can also help a lot. Like for me, I’m very shy and reserved person, so I don’t go out too much. I don’t. If there’s a group of people, I don’t join them. I’m too afraid to do that. But in order for me to find resources or to find the people that will help me, I need to go out. I need to put myself out there. If not, I wouldn’t find anything. So, yeah, I would say being more outgoing–that’s that’s the word.…Can you repeat the question? Sorry. 

Lux: Oh, yeah, you bet. I was just wondering how being the first in your family to go to college, how that has shaped your academic journey at the U. And you mentioned that the pressure that you might feel at home could stem from that lack of experience.

Alexis: Yes. OK, yeah, I get it. I feel like there is a lot of pressure on me right now. Like my parents, they’re always telling everyone like, “Oh, yeah, my kid is going to college. He’s doing all this stuff.” And I just feel more pressure for me to do it, to be kind of perfect, to be the person they want me to be. I know I might not do it. I mean, that’s okay. I just…I want to be like the person I want to be. But I feel like it does put a lot of pressure on me because they expect me to know all these things. Also, they expect me to know about everything just because I’m going to college, like they think I’m the smartest person. And I’m not, like, at all. So they expect me to know everything about class, about everything. And I mean, I try my best, but I can’t. And also just like here is my college journey, I feel like a lot of people expect a lot from me, like, because I’m the first in my family, they expect me to be on-point on everything, like to be perfect. I feel like because I don’t have a backup plan, I don’t have another thing that will sustain me if I don’t keep going on my journey. So that gives me the motivation just to be the best person I can be or the best student I can be because I know if I don’t do it, no one else is going to do it for me. There’s no, yeah, like there’s no…como no hay seguridad de mi futuro si no me la pongo yo mismo. Como yo necesito hacer las cosas por mí mismo, porque nadie, nadie va a venir a hacerlo por mí. Como no, no hay otra manera. Simplemente sé que tengo que hacerlo yo por mí. 

Lux: Yeah, I think that a lot of first-gen students feel that sense of familial pressure where…I mean, for me, too, I’m second-gen, but I’m the daughter of an immigrant. And I felt a lot of pressure to achieve because of the sacrifices my parents made. So it’s an intense amount of pressure. And at the same time, I don’t want you to feel alone. And that even though your family isn’t in Utah with you, we want you to accomplish all of your goals and your dreams. So, yeah, count me as your personal librarian for the rest of your academic journey, for real. But yeah, I know Jimena and…

Jimena: First-Gen will always be here. I will always be here. And remember, I always try to tell you, like, “Alexis, do you need anything? Let me know. And if I don’t know, we can look together.” But you’re not alone. You have everyone here–at least in First-Gen [Scholars], Lux, TRIO–I know they would be more than happy to help out with literally whatever you need.” 

Alexis: Yeah. I mean, that’s what I was saying, looking and asking for help is very important. I mean, another story: When I was in my sophomore year, I remember I was about to drop out like last year. I felt like I couldn’t do it, like I wanted to drop out. “I have too many responsibilities. I need to pay these things. I need to do that.” So there were some things happening in my family back in Mexico. And I needed to work more to send the money and stuff like that. And then I remember talking to my dad, and then my dad told me, like, “No, just because you’re in the U.S. doesn’t mean you need to take care of everything here.” And then I went to talk with my counselor [through] the First Ascent, with my scholarship. But when I went there, I was going there with the intention of telling them that, “Yes, I’m dropping out. I cannot do it.” Luckily for me, they were busy. So they couldn’t see me. So I couldn’t tell them. Then I went back. And I was just thinking about it, like, “Should I do it? Like, is it really worth it?” And then I don’t know. I just kind of got motivated. I’m like, “I’m already here. I’m already halfway. I just need to push through it.” And then just talking about this also with Joanna at the time, I remember telling her and she told me the same thing, like, “Yeah, there’s a lot of pressure among all of us. Especially as a first-gen student, we feel like we need to do everything. Sometimes I feel like I need to be successful so I can help my family. I feel like I’m the one who needs to do all that. Like I put all the pressure to my shoulders, like, “Yes, I’m the one who needs to take them out [of] where they are.” But they just told me, like, no, first I need to focus on myself, and then just take care of me before taking care of others. Because sometimes I just forget about myself. Like I’ve been thinking too much about others. I’ve been thinking too much about how can I help, instead of how can I help myself. And then that’s when I started going to the counseling center here at the U, which is also free–and they really helped me a lot…The first thing, always, is that I feel alone. And I didn’t want to accept that. Like last year, I didn’t want to accept that I feel like I was sad or like I feel alone. Because even in my culture, the way I was raised is like, I’m not supposed to feel any of that. I’m supposed to be strong. I’m supposed to be, you know, a man and to do all of these things and not complain about it. And then I remember talking with my therapist here and they’re like, “So do you feel alone?” I’m like, “I don’t know.” And then they told me–like, straightforward–they said, like, “Do you feel like they abandoned you?” And then I remember telling them that now I feel like it’s the opposite. I feel like I abandoned my family, you know. And then he told me, “Do you feel like they abandoned you because they told you to come to the U.S.?” Which is true. My parents told me to come to the U.S. It was not something that I wanted to do. And now I do not regret it. Obviously, I’ve done so many things. But just that feeling and then accepting the emotions. I would say, for me, it was very hard. I still is, to express my emotions. And I feel like that relates back to the way I was raised, my culture. And I know I’m not the only one. I know there are a lot of students here who also have a lot of guilt. I feel something I have seen here in the U.S. that I do not see back in Mexico. Here in the US, most of the students, the parents come, [they] are immigrants who came all this way to the US. And maybe it’s not on purpose, but they cannot take it out on their kids. You know, they tell them like, “Oh, no. You wouldn’t last a week back in my country. You wouldn’t have done any of that.  You’re so ungrateful. You don’t know what you have here.” And how can they expect to know if they didn’t live the same life? You know, it’s something I’ve seen a lot here. There’s a lot of guilt in the students. Like everyone feels like, “Oh, no, my parents did all of this. My parents worked so hard so I need to do this. I need to. I have to.” Like, it’s something they have to do it. And for me, it was kind of the same for me. I felt that’s why I came here with the mind and my goal to work. But when I entered college, it kind of opened my mind more. Then I’m like, I’m here for me. I need to focus on me, on my personal life, instead of worrying about others. Because that’s usually what I’ve seen that happens here. I’m not saying everyone. But usually what happens is that their family comes here, and then they have the kids here, and they raise them in a way that to think kind of bad about the country, like now the life out there is bad. Like you should be grateful that you’re here, that everything is so easy for you just because they lived another life. And I feel like there is no way to someone here to know because it might be like everyone is facing their own challenges. So the way I feel a challenge is not the way someone else will feel it. And I could feel something like…I don’t know, for me, maybe if I get behind on a payment, it could be the worst thing of my life, where someone else, it could be like…I don’t know. I don’t want to say easy, but something different.

Lux: Yeah. Like less significant.

Alexis: Yeah, kind of less significant. And I think it all comes [down] to…I know like a lot of people here, they afford to come here to pursue their dreams, to give their kids a better life. But at the same time, they kind of blame them for all the things they did. I mean, the kids here are not…no tienen la culpa de lo que hicieron como nadie. No, no es su culpa de que tengan una vida fácil, por así decirlo. Que no es cierto. Nadie tiene una vida fácil. I mean, life is not easy for anyone. So I feel like it’s really hard to accept that, to accept that everyone has their own challenges, that something that for me could be the worst thing ever, for someone else could be just a regular problem. There is no comparison for like…no se pueden comparar las vidas, siento yo. So as a first-generation, it doesn’t matter the culture [you’re] from. If you’re first-gen, they expect you to do all of these things. They expect that person to be the richest, to be the one who everyone can come and ask for help, but who’s helping them, you know? So that’s why I think it’s important to have all these resources and to tell more people about it. Yeah. I don’t know. 

Lux: Oh, I think that was really beautifully answered. That’s such a familiar experience–that sense of like, “Well, my parents have put so much hard work and effort into getting here.” And some folks will even say it explicitly like, “You have to succeed because I made these sacrifices for you.” That was my experience. But, yeah, it’s really hard to kind of recenter and figure out, “Okay, that’s my folks’ worldview, and their life is different than mine.” It’s really mature of you and very compassionate. 

Alexis: Yeah, I feel like, with the work I’ve been doing, I was working mostly with high school students, and…everyone will just tell me like, “Yeah, my parents are like this and like that.” I’m like, there’s no reason for you to feel that way. Another thing–I feel like, imagine if your parents come to the U.S. and instead of working, they went to school. I feel like that’s me because I came here, and, instead of working, I decided to go to school. And I feel like this college and higher education in general really opened my mind about a lot of things, a lot of situations, things that I never even thought about it until I’m here. And especially more in the emotional setting. Like our culture, I’m from Mexico, and my culture is not very emotional at all, especially with the men. We are not allowed to be emotional. And I mean, I try to be more emotional sometimes, but it’s still difficult to me. And I cannot imagine the students or the young people who are here in the U.S. who have to live up to that, who have to hear the parents–sometimes, it’s not even complaining, but small things, small comments. It sticks to them. I know it does because it did to me. Like everything you hear. You see them complaining. You see them kind of blaming you for having an easy life or stuff like that. Even to me, I was always told that I had an easy life–from my parents. And now looking back, whenever I tell my story of my life, no one here has ever said that I had an easy life. And I’ve been through a lot of things. I mean, that’s why I ask you at the beginning. I could go an hour talking just about my life. But I still feel like I have…not like an easy life, but I also don’t feel like I have the worst life ever. Like I love my life. I love the things I’m doing. I love the people that I have got to meet. And just accepting things, just like kind of “it is what it is,” you know? Things are what they are. And…if you cannot change it, I should not worry about it. I feel like I should only focus on the things that I can change. If I can talk to someone and make them feel better, I’m good. If I can make sure that no one feels this pressure or they can’t feel like they can do things for their own instead of because their family are telling them, because they need to help their family. Like, I’m okay. 

Lux: And like you said, like we can’t really compare one life against another life. All of these variables are so different. And lived experience shapes us, right? So, yeah, I think that’s a really thoughtful answer. Taking a slightly different direction, but focusing a little bit more on relationship-building on campus. What has been your experience with building connections or relationships with faculty members? You mentioned that a lot of the time, a lot of the guidance that you get about resources and services comes from your peers. But I’m wondering if you’ve had any faculty point you to resources or services that have been helpful.

Alexis: Me personally, I have not. I have not connected with a faculty member like that. I will say, I had one class during the summer, this writing class. But the class was offered through TRIO, so the professor was part of TRIO, and they always promote these resources. Also, I feel like there are different types of professors. There’s some who cares. There’s some who doesn’t care at all. And you can see those who care, those who are trying to help others…who are open every time…You can email them, and then you can ask for help if you need to. And they can also connect you with other resources. Yeah, my personal journey, I have not connected with my faculty members. But I have seen, other than professors, there are a lot of advisors here. There are a lot of coaches and counselors who are always willing to help. And I feel like that’s helpful. I remember the other day I was there at the desk of the First-Gen Space, and this guy come in and then he asked for a flyer about the program. So I give him the flyer, then I asked him, like, “Well, what is it for?” And then they told me, “Oh, I’m a counselor, and I’m just trying to see the places where I’m sending students to.” So he was already sending students to First-Gen Space, but he didn’t know what it was. So I feel like those people matter here. There are a lot of counselors and resources who actually care about the students, who are willing to do more, are willing to do more for them. More on my personal journey, I have not connected with faculty, but with the people that have worked, they have connected me a lot with a lot of resources, more about my life. Like I mentioned, I’m here by myself. So my parents are back in Mexico. So I do not live with my parents, obviously. I do not have a set home outside of the campus. So when summer comes, usually is when I struggle the most because I do not get housing for the summer. So I have to look, where can I stay? And for me, there has been always someone who is willing to help me. My first year, it was my First Ascent counselor. I remember I told them about it. I explained my situation to them. They understood. And they were like, yeah, we’re going to help you. And then they did things beyond what they were supposed to do for me. I remember Luis Lopez, he went back to the board, got the resources, and rented out an Airbnb for me for winter break that time. And I will never forget that. And then in the summer, they always told me, like, “Oh, you can do this. You can do that. You can look for on-campus positions that offer housing.” That’s how I got to know TRIO because I came to TRIO–I was a TRIO student, and I didn’t know it. I remember seeing the emails like, “Come in to TRIO! Schedule an appointment with them.” So I did, and then they told me what was TRIO about and then the summer opportunity. Because I told them, like, “I do not have a home, I don’t have anywhere to stay during the summer.” So they told me, “Oh, we have this program. It’s a summer program for high schoolers, but they get to stay on campus. So you can also get to stay here so you don’t have to worry about housing.” And I mean, if I didn’t come here and ask for help to TRIO, I don’t know where I would be during that summer. So I stay here that summer, then the fall starts, and then I get my help from a scholarship. And then summer came again, and the same thing–I don’t have anywhere to stay so I have to ask for help again. And this time they also helped me. They always connect me—if they cannot help me, they connect me to someone who can. And I feel like I have applied that a lot to me, like to my personal life. Whenever I try to help someone, I’m like, “I’ll do the most I can for you. But there’s some things that I just cannot do.” So if I feel like I’m not capable of helping someone, I should know someone who can help them. So connecting them, because that’s what everyone has been doing for me. 

Lux: That’s so stressful that, because of housing, you’re without a place to live for these big chunks of time. And the university doesn’t automatically have some kind of support built in so that you don’t have to scramble to find housing.

Alexis: …I mean, I remember last year, specifically, I still got the housing for the position at TRIO, but there was one week where I didn’t have housing because the position ended the first of August, and then school [doesn’t start] until mid-August, like the 15th. So I had to sleep in my car. And like if you tell that to someone, it’s like, “Oh, my gosh, that must have been so hard, so difficult. I’m so sorry.”  But that was my own problem, my challenge. And I cannot compare that to someone else’s problem. Like it was hard. It was difficult…And I feel like that just prepared me most because that happened like the first summer, and obviously it will not happen again because I learned that from that.

Lux: Well, if you’re ever in a bind, let us know, and we’ll figure it out with you.

Alexis: Yeah.

Lux: So navigating college as a first gen student has, like you said, a lot of unique challenges and opportunities. I’m curious how being the first in your family to go to college has impacted your emotional well-being and your social well-being. And you’ve talked about this a little bit. Maybe you could just go into a little bit more depth.

Alexis: Yeah, I mean, yeah, I can touch on the emotional. I feel like going to college, for me, just made me more–I don’t know how to say it–like emotional, or I don’t know, like I know siento que entiendo más mis emociones y emociones de otros desde que empecé aquí en college.

Jimena: Yeah, like more emotionally mature.

Alexis: Yes. Yes. Thank you. I feel like that wouldn’t happen. I mean, that anyone can learn that from anyone. But for me, I feel like I learned this in college. But also they’re good things. Like there’s a lot of happy moments. Like, for example, I had the opportunity to travel with my scholarship, and they took me to London, which is crazy to me…going back, like I could never imagine myself over there. And obviously, when I got there, seeing all these things like Big Ben, the river, and all of that that I could only see in the movies. And I sent a picture to my group family, and they were like, “Oh, that’s amazing. That’s crazy that you’re there.” I told my siblings, I told my younger brothers, like, I feel like what got me here is education. So they should do education. Like if I was not in college, if I was not part of a scholarship…I don’t want to say never, but it wouldn’t be the same for me to achieve that, to go all the way there. So that was a good moment. And then I also felt like I could share and express that with my family and tell them like, “Yeah, I’m happy that I’m here.” But I also thank them for everything they’ve done for me. And then just kind of recognizing that I’m there because of my effort and all the things I have done. And I feel like sometimes it’s hard to accept and to recognize what you’re doing for yourself, like all the good things that you’re doing. And I feel like it’s difficult because I have made a lot of mistakes. I’m still making mistakes to this day. And there are some moments where I just kind of try to stop and think about the good things I have done, like the accomplishments I have because I know I have maybe more mistakes, but I still have some accomplishments. And yeah, just like trying to express all that is still difficult to me. Just like the relationship[s] you build. Like even now when I talk to Jimena, I’m talking to her and…she tells me, like, “It’s okay to express your feeling. It’s okay  to express your emotions.” Hanging out with the right people and then having good mentors, they can help you with that, like with your emotional well-being. Just because as a first-generation…is like all this pressure, all these things that you have to be perfect. And you do not need to be perfect. You need to accept yourself for who you are. If you want to be better, that’s great. Like I feel like I want you to be better, like I am trying to be better every time. But I’m trying to be better. But also I accept myself the way I am. And I accept and recognize all the accomplishment I have made. And just all the mistakes I have made, as I try to learn from them and to do not repeat that. 

Lux: I think that it’s so important to hear that out loud, too–that part of finding success is making mistakes, and that doesn’t negate your success at all. It merely helps you refine the way you go about doing things, basically. So taking another shift direction-wise…Utah, like we talked about earlier, has a very strong dominant culture and the demographics of any college campus, but specifically the racial, ethnic and socioeconomic makeup of its student body, its faculty, its staff–all of that can influence a student’s sense of belonging on campus. So with that context in mind, I kind of just want to ask you about your experience and do you feel a sense of belonging at the U? And if you do, did that start at the beginning of your university experience or is it something that has developed over time?

Alexis: Yeah, at the beginning of my experience, I definitely did not feel like I belong here at all. Like, for starters, the language. Like I know I have an accent and everything. I love my accent. But even then, I know I’m different. So for me it’s just accepting that I am different. I’m not better, but I am different. And then just finding other people like me is difficult. And then it is challenging to find others who I can relate. But even then, I feel like maybe in the middle of my [college] career–definitely not the beginning, like way after–I found this place where I felt like, “Yes, I belong here.” Because I know a lot of people talk about the Imposter Syndrome and everything that happens here in college, but for me, personally, it was kind of more like hearing that I belong and then going back to accepting myself. I know I might sound like…como muy egoísta o no se dice en ingles. But I know I’m here and I feel like I just want to accept that I deserve to be here. I work my way to be here. And I feel like everyone should do that, like accept and know and recognize their worth. Like everyone who’s here deserves to be here…This place, like the First-Gen [Space] and TRIO. I mean, that’s where I’ve been the most. They focus a lot on students who are first-generation like me. So I come to the space and I see the other students and they look at me, they talk like me, they understand things that no one else would understand. And that’s where you get to build community at all. Like all the events, and you’re like meeting these people, like today we had an event at the space, and I was talking to the students and they were like, “Oh, yeah, my parents are from Mexico.” And I was like, “Oh, what part?” And then they were very close to where my family is, and then we can connect to that. Like we can talk about that. And another thing is…even if they’re not from my culture, I could talk to someone who is completely different, who is not Hispanic at all. And there are things that we can relate. We’re first-generation. First of all, we’re first-generation-that makes us…like we can relate. And always being open-minded. I always try to understand other cultures. I’m not one to judge or anything at all. I’m always willing to learn. I love learning about new things. I love learning about new cultures. I find it fascinating how costumbres que tienen. A lo mejor ya lo mencioné mucho ahorita, pero me encanta a mí la comida. Siempre when I meet someone from another culture, I ask them, “What’s your favorite food from your culture?” Like, I want to try that. I siempre como siento que la comida es lo que más identifica a cierto lugar, a cierta cultura. And I love trying new foods. I love listening to new music. I have music [in] a lot of languages. I don’t even know the languages. But just listening to that is just…it’s great. So I feel like I always have an open mind. And then they come into these spaces where you see all this diversity, and then you are part of that diversity as well. So that made me feel like I belong here. Like, “Yes, I make part of this. I might be different, but I’m part of this.”

Lux: So based on your own experiences at the U, what kind of–if you could just imagine a support or a resource or a service–something that you wish had been available to you as a student–what would that be?

Alexis: I mentioned that my first year, I was not part of the First-Gen [Scholars] class. I wish I would have been part. I feel like I would have gained a lot. I feel like, especially with my social life…I don’t have too much social life outside of school or work, and I feel like the class would have helped me a lot. It’s even now like I’ve met other people. I see all the friendships. I see even the way it’s structured, like the families–they’re still talking. And I have a friend who was my roommate during freshman year, and he was part of the class. And he always told me about these things, all the things they’ve done, the people they knew. And I mean, I would have loved being part of the class, not even for the class and si mas como lo que pasa fuera de la clase, because outside of class, that’s when they get to know each other. Outside of class is when they get to build a connection. So I would have loved to been part of First-Gen on my freshman year. I didn’t have the chance. But yeah, another thing is just, like, knowing more people, like being more outgoing, being less reserved, just putting myself out there and speaking more, because I feel like now I’m more confident, now I can go and talk to new people, meet people and then tell them about myself. But before, I was scared. I was afraid to do that. And now, it’s like I wish I would have done more when I was a freshman. But still, I feel like I’m doing pretty good right now…like right now I am teaching the class for freshman and transfer students. I always tell them, like, “Get involved.” Like, “Don’t be afraid to do this. If you don’t like something, you don’t do it. Look for another thing. There are ways. There are so much resources. There’s so much things going on…do not worry if something doesn’t work out for you. There will be another thing. Just, like, keep trying.”

Lux: Yeah. Yeah, that’s really good advice. Thinking about what you have accomplished so far in college–you said this is the beginning of your third year, right?

Alexis: Mm hmm.

Lux: What is one milestone, or experience, or accomplishment that you feel really proud of yourself for?

Alexis: It has been a lot of things. For starters, my first year, I was part of this program called Business Scholars, which is a lot of business preparation, but also involves a lot of presentations…So I will have to present every two weeks. I will switch teams and do a presentation in front of the whole class. And for me, as a shy person, I don’t like to present. Even today, I feel like I’m scared about public speaking. And back then, I didn’t know English as much as I do [unintelligible]…and just do presentations every two weeks and all of that. I would feel scared. And then at the end, I remember my last presentation of the year, I gave the presentation. I still stuttered, but I handled it better. Like now I can pause, breathe, keep going, and then pace myself, and then just be more like aware of what I’m doing when I’m presenting. And I feel like that really helped me. And on my last presentation, I got my highest score of all presentations. And I remember even my classmates, they told me, “You did really good.” And then some friends I had in that class, they told me like, “Yeah, comparing the first presentation to right now, we have seen some change.” So that, for me, felt like a milestone. I feel like, yeah, I can present. I know I can do this. I feel like I can do, I can improve in whatever I do. And then I think when I went to London, it was something like I could never imagine…and then just being over there, like I mentioned before, I remember telling my siblings, telling my family, like, “Yeah, I’m here because I’m in college. Like, there’s no there’s no other way.” So I recommend everyone, even doesn’t matter the age, they should go to college.There are a lot of opportunities here. And then it was also [at] the half[way point] of my journey, because it was at the end of my sophomore year. And just being there, it was kind of reflecting the things I have done. And I noticed that I have done so many things for me. I have worked a lot, like a lot, too much work. And then I didn’t do much about school involvement here on campus. So I had the opportunity to apply to be a First-Gen [Scholars] leader. And then when I got the position, there was another thing I could never imagine. But then I also thought I was scared because I know being a leader, I have to present, I have to teach the class, I have to speak to these 50-55 students every week. And I mean, I was scared of doing that. But I remember Jimena telling me, like, “Don’t you worry. The students, they will look up to you. Like, you’ll be an example.” And I feel like that motivate me a lot because I’m trying to be the best example I can for my siblings. And so I can kind of translate that in the work I do. Whenever I’m presenting, I’m trying to be that example. I’m trying to show them that it is possible. I want them to listen to me, to hear my accent, to see me stuttering, to see me having difficulties when I’m presenting, making mistakes. But I’m still doing that because I want them to [know], like, it’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay if you don’t speak the language. It’s okay. You can still do it because I’m doing it. If I can do it, like anyone can do it, you know?

Lux: So on a related note–and this will be our last question–but what’s one final piece of wisdom or encouragement that you would want to pass on to other first-gen students?

Alexis: Yeah. I mean, I mentioned this in the beginning. I feel like the biggest thing is [to] ask for help. Like, do not be afraid to ask for help. You do need the help. Like, if you need the help, ask for it. It will not make you weak. Like, it will not make you strong if you reserve yourself and be like, “No, I don’t need help.” Like, that’s not good. I would say be comfortable with asking for help. And another thing is like–everyone here, and even for me right now, it’s hard to understand, but everyone here is on the same boat. Like, we are all struggling. Everyone here in college is struggling. Like, I know it’s hard to not compare yourself so I cannot say, like, don’t compare yourself because it’s pretty much impossible to not do it. You’re always comparing yourself. But just think [about] your own journey. Like, it doesn’t matter if you take eight years to graduate. It’s okay because that’s you. That’s your life. Like, you’re not trying to get a degree for your friend.You’re not trying to get a degree for your family. It’s for you. So just that, just like know that everyone here is struggling. It might not look like what everyone here is. Even if you see someone like, “Oh, he’s so involved. He’s the president of this. He’s the president of that. He started this. He started that.” You’re here, too. Like, you’re in the same classroom with them. You’re in the same program. You’re in the same college. You can do the same things or better. So, yeah, I will leave it at that.

Lux: That was beautiful advice. Thank you so, so much for your time today and for sharing your story with us. 

Alexis: Thank you for letting me do that. I mean, it’s kind of therapeutic. Just like, because I feel weird talking about myself, like thinking about myself, but I like it.

Lux: We love it. I think it’s great.

Jimena: Thank you so much.