09 Jan First-Gen Voices Interview Transcript: Adriana

Interviewers: Lux Darkbloom and Jimena Prieto Andrew
Interview Subject: Adriana

Lux: This is Lux Darkbloom, and I’m here with Jimena Prieto [Andrew]–and a student! Would you like to introduce yourself?

Adriana: Yes, hi, my name is Adriana. I’m a second-year computer science major at the U. Right now I’m in First-Gen Scholars. I also work at the Dream Center for the university, and as well as the union.

Jimena: And many more! [Laughter]

Adriana: My whole family is from El Salvador. I have a younger sister. She’s three years younger than me, and it’s just us two.

Lux: Nice. Being the oldest daughter–that is definitely a challenge, right? What would you say motivated you to pursue higher education initially?

Adriana: Probably my parents cuz we moved here to the US when I was three. And just, like, growing up . . . I just . . . they always wanted us to be in school, like, focus on school, get good grades. And then as I grew older, I just felt like . . . oh, like, I really wanted to make them proud and just, um, seeing them, like, struggle. Just because . . . I remember, I have, like, a couple of memories when I was little. Where we . . . when we first came to Utah, we would live in, like, one room. All four of us. Just like . . . in a . . . What is it . . . the pumpy air mattresses?

Lux: Yeah

Adriana: And we would have to share bathrooms with these strangers. And I’m just like, I really want to do . . . I want to get them to a better place than, like, where we started here.

Lux: Mm hmm. Who would you say are your biggest role models, or mentors–or your biggest supporters?

Adriana: I mean, for sure my family. They’ve always been there for me. They just always do their best to take care of me. Um, and just kind of shield me a lot. I think also, like, in high school they were like, “No, no, no, like, don’t work. Just focus on school, do sports.” But I feel like they shielded me a lot from just like a bunch of struggles. That when I came to college it was like, “Shoot. I have to, like, try to do stuff on my own now, without your guys’ help. And just not as much, like, leaning towards them, like, being more independent has been a little bit of a struggle. [Laughs]

Lux: It’s very challenging. Everybody who goes through that is like, “Whoa. This is a lot.” Do you live at home or outside home? 

Adriana: I do. I do. I still do live at home because the U is expensive.

Lux: Yeah, it is!

Adriana: It is so expensive. But, yeah, I’m saving up, you know, just thinking for the future, hopefully finding a place. But, yeah . . .

Lux: Yeah. It’s a good time to live at home, truly. Rent rates . . . prices as they are. Truly.

Adriana: Yeah

Lux: What year are you in school again? Did you say your second year?

Adriana: Second, mm hmm

Lux: What’s your major?

Adriana: Computer science.

Lux: Computer science. Do you have a minor?

Adriana: No. No right now. But I’m thinking of one.

Lux: Are you obligated to have one in computer science?

Adriana: No.

Lux: Okay.

Adriana: But just because I have a lot of generals done. I might need to like… Because I need to take 15 credits, um, just to keep my scholarship. So, I have to just add on extra classes. So I was like, maybe I’ll just get a minor . . .

Lux: That’s really wise. 15 credits is a lot, too. Jeez.

Jimena: And if you already have your generals done, that’s, like, pretty impressive because a lot of people have them done by the end of their second year. 

Lux: Yeah. 

Adriana: No, I was . . . because I moved to an early college high school when I was a junior, when COVID hit. I was just like, “You know what? I’ll just move schools in the middle of the pandemic!” [Laughs] And so I just, like, shifted my whole life pretty much. Like, I left my friends and, um, from high school and stuff just to, like, go to the school because… I don’t know. I feel like COVID made me realize, like, I only live once and I feel like I should just go for it and just, like, go, like, straight on, like, and focus on education and just, like, doing that.

Lux: That makes a lot of sense. That has got to be challenging, though.

Adriana: It was.

Lux: Especially during COVID, like, trying to navigate that stuff by yourself.

Adriana: It was. It was hard, but I don’t know. I feel like it was kind of, like, God’s plan because as soon as, like, summer hit, we were, like, on lockdown, and I was just, like, hanging out with my family, and I saw, like, an ad on Facebook. Like, I don’t even get on Facebook that often. I don’t know what I was doing. And I saw an ad about, like, an early college, like, program, like, taking, like, concurrent enrollment classes and I was, like, “I’ll do it. Like, I will do it.” I don’t even . . . I won’t do anything this summer anyways because, like, of COVID, so I was, like, I’ll just do it.

Lux: So, it was, like, during the summer, too?

Adriana: Yeah, yeah.

Lux: Like, concurrent enrollment your senior year, the whole time?

Adriana: Um, yeah, I think so. Trying to think. Maybe, like, a couple that weren’t. But most of them were.

Lux: That’s wild. That’s so much work.

Adriana: I don’t know, but I feel like in high school it’s a little easier to do. I feel like in college I don’t know it’s just a different . . . different thing.

Lux: Yeah, the environment’s really, truly different, for sure. Could you talk a little bit  . . . actually, before we get there–are you working right now?

Adriana: Yes.

Lux: Do you have part-time or full-time work?

Adriana: It’s part time. Yeah. It’s like . . . I don’t know. It’s, like, part-time. Like I work at the union as a bowling manager. Um, and I only do, like, 14 hours a week. So, it’s not super bad. And for the Dream Center, it’s about eight hours a week. So, I guess, maybe combined it’s a lot, but separate, it’s . . . I don’t know. It’s not too bad.

Lux: That’s a lot. How do you like, balance your work/school life, and family obligations, and social stuff?

Adriana: Yeah. [Laughs] You don’t. Someone asked me this the other day. I was, like, “I don’t. Like, I don’t know how I do it.” I have a calendar. I use Google Calendar. Um, if they could sponsor me for real. Because I love that app so much because I have, like, very bad memory. And so, like, if I don’t write it down, or if I don’t, like, put, like, a reminder on my phone, like, I’ll forget it. Um, so, yeah, I just keep it all on my Google Calendar, and I think it’s nice just to have it all, like . . . I don’t know, like, scheduled, like, “This time I have work. This time I’m gonna go study. This time I’m gonna do this.” Like, I think that’s helped me a lot.

Lux: So, you even put, like, when you’re studying into your calendar?

Adriana: Yeah.

Lux: That’s so smart. That’s such a good strategy.

[Talking overlaps briefly] 

Adriana: Yeah. But I try. It doesn’t work all the time. 

Lux: Could you talk about what it was like when you were a brand new student on campus?

Adriana: Um, yeah. So, actually, the first week of school–because I’ve been a commuter, like, throughout my whole, like, college journey, right? And so, after the first week had ended, and I just, like, finished, like, my first week, I was so sad.

Lux: Really?

Adriana: I was so sad because I hadn’t made any friends. Um, and I felt really lonely because even just, like, my friends from high school, some did come to the U. But we didn’t major in the same things, so we didn’t have the same classes. Um, and so I went to, like, the Dream Center space, and I talked to one of the faculty there, and I just started crying. Um. [Laughs] I don’t want to cry right now. [Laughs] That was a really hard time for me. Umm. I just felt so alone. [Cries] Oh, my gosh . . . no.

Lux: It’s okay.

Jimena: Yeah, it’s okay.

Lux: It’s totally okay. You wouldn’t be the first to cry during an interview.

Adriana: Really? 

Jimena: Yes, that’s true.

[Talking overlaps briefly] 

Lux: Absolutely. Yeah, no worries.

Adriana: Um, but I don’t know . . . she talked to me, and she actually gave me her credit card to go buy food because I hadn’t eaten that day. So, it was really nice. And I think from then it got a little bit better. Um, I joined First-Gen [Scholars]. So I got to meet more people. [Cries] Oh my god. I need water . . . And so I got into First-Gen [Scholars]. Um. And we have, like, families there. So I got to, like, really connect. And, like, my family was all girls. So, it was nice to just have so much of, like, girlfriends to hang out with and talk to and stuff.

Lux: Yeah, it makes a big difference, especially like that . . . that experience of loneliness is so normal, too. Like, this is such a big campus . . .

Adriana: [Cries]

Lux: and feeling disconnected, like, from friends and stuff . . . it’s okay. Can I get you a tissue or anything?

Adriana: No. I did not want to cry today . . . Yeah, no, it did get better, and then, like, thankfully I did get a scholarship as well. And, um, during, like, January, um, this spring semester I was able to meet the other recipients. And I feel like that’s when I just switched because I just instantly had, like, the connection to a lot of them. And that’s where I met, like, a lot of my close friends now that I hang out with all the time and just talk to. So, yeah. It got better. It did get better.

Lux: Where was the scholarship from? Was it, like, the Larry H. Miller [scholarship], or . . . ?

Adriana: No, it is the Dream.US scholarship. Yeah. It’s the national one, which pays . . . for me, it pays my whole tuition. Um, so, yeah.

Lux: Does it, like, renew every year, or . . . ?

Adriana: Yeah.

Lux: I’m so glad. That’s awesome.

Adriana: It does renew every year. It’s just a certain amount of money. So, like, when it runs out, then I just . . . but it’s quite a lot, and it’s helped me just to not have that stress over paying for college, which . . .  I don’t know what I would do if I had to do that. Because that’s hard enough as it is. 

Lux: Yeah, agreed. It is, like, so incredibly high a tuition as well. Um, do you feel like . . . of course there are, like, multiple identities that fall under the heading “first-gen.” So it’s kind of a challenging thing to create resources and services for first-gen students because it’s not like one . . . 

Jimena: One-size-fits-all.

Lux: Right! It’s not one-size-fits-all. Um, with that in mind, though, do you feel like, um, being first gen has impacted, so, like, your choice of major or, like, your career path in any way?

Adriana: Definitely. Yeah. I think . . . because of my both of my parents did, like, computer engineering. That’s what my dad did, and my mom did like computer. . . something, like, in El Salvador. And so I was, like, “Oh, like, I need to follow in their footsteps. I need to do what they did. I need to make money. I just need to, like, make them proud and all these things.” And so I was like, “Well, like, computer science, like, is the next best thing,” I thought of the time. And I still think it is a really good major, like, I’m still in it. But I realized, like, how much of an impact, like, they made in that decision. And I feel like maybe if that pressure wasn’t so, like, big on me, like, maybe I could have chosen maybe something else that I really liked to do, or . . .

Lux: Yeah. 

Adriana: Maybe that didn’t make me, you know, like, a lot of money, but still, like, I was happy. I don’t know just, like, yeah that has impacted me a lot in the decision. 

Lux: That makes a lot of sense. And parents always have some impact in that way. Do you feel like being first-gen has impacted your ability to pay tuition or acquire financial aid navigating those systems?

Adriana: I mean I think it was hard because I didn’t get this scholarship until, like, the month before I was graduating high school. So I was kind of, like, freaking out. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Like I had conversations with my parents. They’re like, “We’ll get another job.” And I was like, “No!” Like, “I don’t want you working two jobs just for . . .  just to pay for college!” I was thinking of going to, like, SLCC [Salt Lake Community College] just to make it cheaper and, like, maybe transfer later. Like I wasn’t . . . I didn’t know when I was going to do that. I didn’t really have a plan, and then I got the scholarship, like, . . .  I don’t know . . . at end of April?

Lux: That is so late! I would be terrified.

Jimena: Super late!

Adriana: Yeah, it was . . . it was horrible. But I was like, okay, you know, at least I have this now, and I can go to the U. I feel like it’s kind of always been like a little dream school moment because, um, my parents would always, like, get, like, Utah shirts and stuff, and we’d wear them around. I don’t know it was kind of nice to, like, come here and, like, study here.

Lux: Yeah, that makes sense. I mean imagine your folks are super proud of you. 

Adriana: Yeah, I hope so. Thank you.

Lux: Um, as far as your, like, academic success goes, has first . . .  being first gen impacted that in any way? Like even as far as, like, accessing resources, things along those lines.

Adriana: I think, yes. I remember my first year, um, they had, like, drop into reading sessions that I would go to a lot. I remember there was, like, a certain girl that helped me in math. She was, like, so smart and so nice to me, and I was like, “Thank you so much,” because she helped me a lot in, like, math. But just, like, accessing other resources, too, like the Women’s Resource Center. I’m pretty sure I found that out in First-Gen, like, just like even just talking to someone there. They were like, “Oh, do you know about this?” And I hadn’t, so that was really cool. Also, like, like the pantry that we have there as well. Yeah. It comes in handy a lot [laughs] when you need a little snack or something.

Lux: Yeah. I mean even just, like, being so focused on your school stuff that you, like, forget to eat. That definitely has a huge impact on, like, your . . . the way that your brain works, like, and your ability to communicate with other folks. So, yeah, I totally, totally get that. Like, that does bring up an interesting question, though. Like, do you find that any of your faculty, like, your professors have talked about themselves being first-gen?

Adriana: No, never.

Lux: Not a one? Really?

Adriana: Yeah, they usually very . . .  they don’t really talk about themselves. Um, no, and I mean to be, like, honest I don’t really go to, like, their office hours as much either. I just . . .  I don’t know. I just never really felt, like, super comfortable doing that. Sometimes I, like even TA hours, and stuff, I’m, like, kind of scared to go.

Lux: Yeah, yeah!

Adriana: Like, I don’t know these people. But, yeah, no, I don’t know if any of my professors are first-gen.

Lux: Do you feel, like um . . .  I know that in First-Gen Scholars, it’s, like, an amazing resource for learning about, like, different programs, or services, or other resources on campus. Outside of that First-Gen Scholars environment, what are some, like . . . are there other ways that you’ve heard about resources and services?

Adriana: I mean working at the union has, I feel like, helped me connect a lot. Especially as a building manager, you kind of really need to know, like, where the offices are in the building. And I feel like the union has a lot of resources just because it’s, like, the center of campus for students to come and, like, look for these things. So, I think that’s helped me a little, too. So, First-Gen [Scholars] and just working there has helped me, like, figure out some resources, and I try to share that, like, sometimes with like other students, too, that might need it.

Lux: Yeah, I think that’s a fairly common experience, too, like, not getting a whole lot of information in classes about resources. But with programs like First-Gen [Scholars], this is, like, one of the main features of it is connecting folks to those resources. So that does make a lot of sense. And I wish there were more spaces and places like that where it was, like, you know, less just like out of sheer luck running into a resource you need versus like having a specific place where, you know, you’re going to be learning about that stuff. Do you feel like being first-generation status has had an impact on, like, your social and emotional wellbeing on campus?

Adriana: Yeah, I think so. I think I tend to just stay in First-Gen kind of not go to different places on campus just because I feel more comfortable there. And I know the people aren’t going to, like, criticize me or judge me in any way. I just feel like it’s always been a very safe place. So, yeah, I think, yeah, just, like, the people have made it. 

Lux: As far as, like, your experience outside of that space, like, in classrooms and navigating all the different, like, systems on this campus . . . do you feel like in what ways, if any, has that had an impact on your, like, well being?

Adriana: I think sometimes, I feel a little, like, like imposter syndrome sometimes . . . especially in my classes, just because a lot of them are just, like, male-dominated. Very like male-dominated and also I’m like, “What do I have in common with these people besides our major?” Because I am in a class right now, and I have to program with, like, a partner. And so I partnering with this guy, and he’s really, really nice. But we do our assignment, and sometimes, I try talking to him about, like, other things, like outside of school. “What do you do for fun?” or something like that. He’s like . . . we have nothing in common. I’m like, “I’m gonna go to the gym.” He’s like, “I’m just gonna go home and, like, build, like, my guns.” And I was like, “Okay.” I was like, “See you later.” [Laughs] I don’t even know if we can say that! That’s his hobby, I guess, but you know everyone likes what they like to do. Yeah, I’m just like, I don’t know who I can relate to. But actually First-Gen Con . . . I went to one of the panelist discussions, and it was, like, first-gen students sharing their stories. And one of the girls is a computer science major, and I had no idea who she was honestly before that presentation, and I was like, that’s so cool. She was talking about it. She, like, mentioned it briefly, and I was like I need to talk to her, So, I’m, like, trying to get her contact. Like I don’t know who knows her, but I need to talk to this girl.

Lux: We’ll help you. I mean, there’s such a small percentage of, like . . . well, l I guess the easier way to say it: It’s so male-dominated, especially, like, cis- het- white guys in that program. That has to be challenging, like, trying to connect with folks. And cuz we do learn so much from our peers on campus . . . that’s gotta be really difficult. Do you have . . . like, in your CS classes, do you . . . have you ever had a class where, like, you’re the only woman in the class?

Adriana: Yeah

Lux: You have! Oh, wow!

Adriana: Well, it’s, like, my labs because it’s, like, smaller groups. But even then it’s like there’s, like, no other girl, and I’m just, like, “Okay.” And even just like a brown girl, too. Like I go to my lectures, and I haven’t, like . . .  usually I don’t see a brown girl there, too, so I’m like, “Okay. Well, I don’t know who to sit with.” But yeah . . . yeah, I feel, like, kind of just, unfortunately, gotten used to it now. It’s, like, okay it is what it is, you know, but yeah.

Lux: Yeah, I mean, it’s hard to do much about it in that sense, like, other than, you know, personally trying to recruit your friends to switch majors. “Do you wanna be in my major?” [Laughs] Yeah, I remember working with the first-year engineering students that this was a similar situation where, like, very, very predominantly male. But the other thing about the campus that we’ve talked about in these interviews is it’s, like, a historically and predominantly white campus. I don’t, like, wanna persuade you into one perspective or another, but maybe you could talk a little bit about just, like, what your experience is being on a campus that’s like that. Like where it’s . . . I was looking at the demographics just the other day, and, for example, like, the faculty, it . . . as of a year ago–so these might be a little out of date–it was running around, like, 88% of faculty are white. But, yeah, if you could talk about, like, what your thoughts are on that. 

Adriana: Yeah, I mean, I feel like, for me, I just kind of avoid it altogether. Like, I go to class. I just kind of, like, keep to myself. And I feel like . . . I don’t know if it’s like the best thing. . . but I just hang out with, like, people that are similar to me, that look like me, you know, just because. . .  I don’t know . . . I just haven’t always had, like, the best experience. Just like that because, even in high school, because I was on, like, the swim team, and they were predominantly white as well. But there was, like, a girl that was Mexican, so I would always just hang out with her. You know what I mean? Like, I just kind of, like, even if it is predominantly white, I just always find, like, just one person that I just stick with that, like, I can find something that’s, like, similar to them. Just because I haven’t really been able to connect with people that are maybe very different. 

Lux: Well, you’re certainly trying, like with your lab partner.

Adriana: [Laughs] Yeah, baby steps . . .

Lux: If you were to have the opportunity to talk to a future student who’s also first-gen, what would you say to them?

Adriana: Shoot. That’s a good question. [Laughs] I’d probably say to just, like, not give up, especially, like, their first year. Because I feel like, in my opinion, that’s like the hardest year. And just to . . .  I know it’s scary, but just to reach out to maybe, like, one person and just start there. Just have a conversation with them. If they’re struggling just, like, talk to them and see because you need a support system, especially in college. You can’t do it alone . . . as much as you’d want to, like, it’s very, very hard so you need those people that you trust to be able to back you up when you’re having a bad day or anything like that.

Lux: Yeah, I think that’s really good advice. Thank you so much!

Jimena: Thank you!

Adriana: Yeah, I hope I hope this helps someone.