28 Jan First-Gen Voices Interview Transcript: Anahi

Interviewers: Lux Darkbloom and Jimena Prieto Andrew
Interview Subject: Anahi Martinez 

Anahi: My name is Anahi Martinez. I’m a first year at the U. I’m the oldest in my family, so, really, the first-gen, you know. I’m from Salt Lake City, so I’ve grown up at the U. Like, I’ve been to field trips here, and it always caught my attention to come here. It’s been good so far. I don’t know, like, if there’s . . . it’s not the experience I thought it would be. Like, oh, like, partying all the time [laughs], but, like, it’s been good so far. My parents are from Mexico, so, you know, they came here for a better life, and they met here actually. They’re from the same town, but it’s really weird how they met here. And then they had four kids. And, um, they’ve always prioritized my education so it’s surreal that I’m here now. And I was actually born at the U. hospital so it’s, like, my mom’s, like, “You were born there, and now you’re here.” It’s so crazy.

Lux: So, you mentioned you’re the oldest of you and your siblings.

Anahi: Yes.

Lux: Can you talk a little bit about what that’s like, especially as the child of immigrants?

Anahi: Yeah, I say there’s a lot of pros and cons to it because I’m the oldest. I feel like I got a lot of advantages, but then at the same time I’m like, “No, you’re the oldest, so you have to be an example for your siblings. And you have to, you have to take care of them more. ‘We’re gonna go out, so you’re gonna take care of them.’” Um, it’s not like my parents would, like, force me to, like, be that example, but I feel like it was already pressured on me to, like…and we’re all year apart, so, exactly…like, it’s just we grew up together. Um, but I did start taking care of them super young, unfortunately, because my parents did have to work. Um, but at the same time I love it because I get to be that example for them. And I try to look at the positive side because I’m, like, okay, I’m the first one. I could tell them stuff for my mistakes. And, um, since we’re all a year apart I feel like it’s not much of a difference. Um, we grew up together. We grew up kind of experiencing the same things. It’s good and it’s bad. I see it as…

[Talking briefly overlaps]

Jimena: I have to agree with you because I’m also the oldest.

Anahi: It’s…yeah, it’s good and it’s bad in some, some ways, but I try to look at…it’s like a positive thing. Yeah, it’s great to be the oldest. 

Lux: You have three siblings

Anahi: Yes 

Lux: And they’re you’re all about a year apart 

Anahi: Yeah 

Lux: Has your experience at the U influenced your siblings to consider higher education? 

Anahi: Yeah, I definitely will. Like I said, my parents have always encouraged us. I feel like in our Mexican culture it’s not really–at least for me like for my cousins–unfortunately, like a lot of them dropped out. Or, or, like, it’s just really hard to see that, like, we all grew up together, and they did not pursue higher education. And, uh, my parents, well, they’ve always enforced, like, “No, like, I don’t want you to work like me, you know. I want you to pursue something that you like, something that you can be, like…your future self will thank you for.” And so my siblings, I’m always like, “You don’t have to go to the U, you know.” And, um, my sister she did…she’s like, “I have no idea what I want to be.” I feel like she…they try to compare, and it’s just really hard, like…

Jimena: Yeah, they really do. Everything that you’re saying…[Voice fades out]

Anahi: They try to comp-…and I don’t want my siblings to be like, “Oh, my sisters are going to college. I have to go to college, too.” I’m like, “I want you to do whatever you want, whatever you…and if it’s not college, like, I promise there’s so many other institutions that we can look into.” But it’s just…I think…I’m like, “If you want to go to the U, you can, you know.” Um, I have my sister. She’s graduated this year, and she’s into cosmology and stuff. So, I’m, like, you know, I try to help her. Like it’s not in my field, but I try to help her, like, apply for scholarships because it …that is also really expensive. But at the same time, she’s talked openly to me about how, “Oh, well, Mom and Dad tell me that you’re in college, doing this.” And, and I’m like, “Come on. That’s not…” you know. And I’ve opened up to my parents, “Don’t, like…comparing is never something good to do.” I feel like, you know, maybe you might do it at the best of your heart, but it’s just..” No, I’ve opened up to my siblings, too. It’s like, “You do what you want to do. I’ll always be here to support you, too, like…and I’ll try my best to.” But, um, they’ve definitely considered going …coming to the U, but I don’t think…you know I’ve told them, like I said, I don’t think that they see it in their future, and I hope that they do pursue our higher education, too. I’ve told them, but it’s…I’m not sure. We’ve talked about it. Just because it’s so close, too. It’s so close.

Jimena: That’s a good point that you mentioned, though, about, like, parents being open. 

Anahi: Yeah

Jimena: Because I feel like, at least, it’s . . . it’s Mexican culture, specifically. Um, I don’t know. They think that higher education/college is the only way to go.

Anahi: Yeah 

Jimena: Like it’s really hard for them to open their minds to, like, trade schools or, like, programs. So it’s just nice that, like, you are having that open conversation…

Anahi: Yeah…yeah 

Jimena: Like with your parents because I know I had to do it, too. “Let’s not compare me to my siblings.”

Anahi: Yeah, yeah. Or they’re comparing me to other people, I guess, because like I mentioned a lot of my cousins dropped out or did not pursue higher education, and they kind of see it as like, “Well, don’t be like them.” I’m like, “Don’t compare, don’t compare. Like, that’s not the way to do things, and it’s just…I personally don’t like that around.

Lux: In addition to the support of your folks, what motivated you to pursue higher education?

Anahi: Like I mentioned, I’ve always…um, coming here, like growing up in Utah, I would always, like, come on field trips, and I’ve always had that goal of pursuing higher education because of the way that I kind of grew up. And my parents struggled financially, and I’m like, you know, I don’t want that for myself in the future, like if I can grow up and go to college and get a job that I like and that… like a career that interests me for, for a lifetime, that’s, that’s a huge goal of mine to become something I’ve always wanted to be, you know. Um, and then I feel like, during the pandemic, I kind of lost that um, like, interest, I guess. Um, it kind of…like for me, I got really, really depressed, and I was, like, “Am I even smart enough to come to, to school?” And then my senior year, um…actually my junior year, I had a teacher who was Mexican–my first Mexican–and I’m like, “She reminds me so much of me.” I feel like she was a big motivation, and, like, education can really open doors for you. I wrote a personal statement and, like, rewriting that gave me, as to like, whoa, like I remember why I want to come to school. Like I want to pursue higher education. I was also in the hospital, and I feel like I did not ever see representation in the medical field, so…I was like, okay, this is another motivation. Like I want to be that representation. I want to be part of something that does not have representation and part of something that I know I will like to do. Like I know I will have support, and it interests me…and my future self. So, yeah, that’s a big reason why.

Lux: So, that teacher you mentioned, could you talk a little bit more about her?

Anahi: Okay, um, she was my Latinas in Action–she is my Latinas in Action teacher. I had her sophomore year, which was when we were online, and, um, she kind of always talked about her struggles growing up–and she was the oldest in her family, and she was Mexican American. So, like, whoa. Like, I see myself in her. And she would always, like…for me, I’m, like, whoa, like education really opened up doors for her. And she talked about it, and she just inspired me so much because it’s…for me, I never really saw myself in teachers, you know, um, and then we became super, super close, like…and then my junior year, out in person, I became super close with her as well. And she always kind of encouraged me, but …our whole classroom, like, um, that you know how low our statistics are in education, and she talked about her struggle. When she came to the U, she talked about her experiences. Like, well, her parents didn’t kind of want her to because they’re, like, “You are the oldest. You have to work. You have to do this. You have to…” and, uh, for me it was like, well, like, I, I really just connected with her from the start. And my senior, too, she helped me a lot, um, um, through, like, my personal statements, learning about college and exactly how the processes is of getting in…Yeah, she was just someone that I really looked up to, and I still look up to right now. Um, she checks up on me, like, all the time, and it’s, it’s, it’s really…yeah, so it was really, really amazing to have a teacher like that. And I’ll bring her up all the time, like I…in the video that we did for First-Gen [Scholars], I’ll like…I talked about her, too, like how she’s really a big inspiration as to why I decided to pursue education. 

Lux: [Quietly] That’s such a cool story.

Anahi: Yeah, her name is Miss Navala [unclear]. She’s still teaching at my high school, so…and she wants to go back to do another master’s right now,so it’s like, you know, so many things. Yeah, she’s really inspirational. 

Lux: You talked a little bit about, like, when you were writing your personal statement that you experienced some Imposter Syndrome, like…

Anahi: Yeah.

Lux: …not feeling certain if it was gonna be the right path for you. Is that something that you struggle with in school now?

Anahi: A little bit in the beginning, just because coming here, um, I did see a lot of people…t’s like, “I don’t look like them…where do I ask for help?”…I also was like, “Okay, but just because I don’t look like them doesn’t mean that…you know…” And the first step, I told myself I would do is ask for help. So, I feel like I did in the beginning, definitely in the beginning. I don’t think I feel it as much now just because I’m like, “I’ve made it this far. I’m here, like, with everyone.” And being in First-Gen [Scholars], I feel like, looking at everyone it’s helped me a lot because everyone has shared their stories, and I’m like, “Okay, I’m like them. too” We’re all like, “We’re here.” It’s so amazing to see a bunch of first-gen students come to this institution like the U, where there’s not a lot of representation. And I feel like it’s growing…I feel like it’s growing, so I’m like, “I’m part of that…that’s growing.” So, it’s really amazing. So, I try to look at it more like an opportunity more than that, um, I guess, like, syndrome . . . like Imposter Syndrome, like you mentioned. I tried to look at it more as a positive thing, yeah, so…

Lux: Thank you 

Anahi: Um, yeah 

Lux: So, like you mentioned, are a very predominantly white institution. Can you talk about what that is like as far as your experience in classes go? Like you mentioned that you look at classmates and professors, and there’s not a lot of folks who look like you.

Anahi: Yeah, I think my first class was like a music class, and then I walk in, and there’s all white people, you know. It’s just, like, “Oh, wow.” I was told that, though, when I asked for advice in high school, like as a senior, I would ask around, and people that went to my high school that are here now, they would tell me like, “Just so you know, it is hard to make friends, you know. It’s predominantly white, but don’t let that stop you from, like, reaching out or even, like, getting out of your comfort zone.” I would, like, ask like…you know smile at people, or it’s not that intimidating once you kind of…you know…that’s the advice I was given, and I feel like once I came here and it did become a little bit hard because I’m, like, well, like, they talk about…I’ve made some friends, and they talk about, “Oh, my parents came here…and my parents, you know”… and I was like, “Oh, you know…” They talk about how they kind of already know, even though their parents came here a long time ago. They know they have someone to rely on to say, “Oh, you know…” Like, my parents–I ask my parents for advice on something, and it’s like, “Well, I can’t do that,” you know? I was like, “Could I ask…?” And at the same time, it’s . . . I’ve tried to like, um, I don’t really let it get to me because I’m like, you know, I can still ask questions. I have a lot of support around me. I have…I have First-Gen [Scholars], and  I’m in TRIO. I have Gear Up, so it’s not like I’m stuck. But it did feel a little bit like…down on me when…when I would walk into a classroom, and there isn’t much people that looked like me…but that’s why I did tell myself, “Okay. Gotta ask for help, gotta ask for help, gotta ask for help.” 

Lux: It sounds like you’re really, like, reaching out and joining student groups, too.

Anahi: Yeah. 

Lux: …especially, like, you’re part of the community with First-Gen Scholars, and you mentioned TRIO also…

Jimena: …which I feel like really, really helps getting through that process as an undergrad.

Anahi: Yeah

Jimena: Cuz then you have that support, and you’re like, “Okay, I’ll be fine, like, no matter what happens. I’ll be fine. Like if I walk into this class, and I don’t see anyone, I’ll still have people, like, that will back me. 

Anahi: Yeah, like…oh, I know there’s tutoring for First-Gen [Scholars] and TRIO has tutoring as well. They also have free math courses. It’s like I can still, even if they don’t know an answer to my, like, problem, they know people that will help me, and that’s what they’re for. And I know that that’s what they’re there for, so that’s why I’m, like, take confidence in…okay I cannot…f I have a question I’m gonna ask it. Just because if I’m scared, like it…it’s just …for me, that’s what I’ve learned in high school, like I was always so afraid to ask for help, and that was, like…that really closed opportunities for me for not…like if I’m not asking for help. I always tell people that, too, like, ask for help. It’s obviously easier said than done. It was super scary for me to start asking for help, but I feel, like, that for me has really helped me, um, in joining those. And I started my senior year like, “Okay, I’m gonna join First-Gen [Scholars]. I’m gonna join TRIO. I’m gonna join…” I said I was gonna join a lot of stuff, so it’s obviously not as easy to do, but…

Jimena: It’s a work in progress.

Anahi: Yeah…but I have asked for help, or I’ve tried to look into programs here at the U or resources, I guess.

Lux: Are you attending school full-time right now?

Anahi: Yes 

Lux: And do you also work?

Anahi: Yes 

Lux: Part-time or full-time?

Anahi: Part-time 

Lux: Okay, can you talk a little bit about how you handle the work/school balance? 

Anahi: Oh, okay. Yeah, it was definitely hard in the first semester, um, but luckily my job has flexible scheduling. So, I’m like, “Hey, I can’t come into work today.” But, for me, I am…over the summer, I’m like, “How am I gonna go to school and manage study time and manage work all at the same time?” Um, but I feel like I’ve always been an organized person, and I’m always scared of being late. [Laughs] I’m so scared…I’m so scared of being late. Like that the thought of being late scares me. I feel like that’s what keeps me going. But I’m like, okay, I sort of plan out my week. I try to. I don’t have, like, a planner or anything, but, for me, I like to be more organized. So, I’m like, “Okay, I have to go to work at this time and this time, so I know I have to finish my homework by this time and this time, you know?” It’s also a bit hard when, like I said, um, managing home life as well just because I feel like my parents…they’ve been super supportive. They’ve been super open, and like, “Okay, like, I know you have to study.” But sometimes it’s like, “Oh, like, can you come to the bank with me?” They don’t speak English. Or, “Can you do this for me?” Like, you know?…it’s just like, “I’m sorry. Like, I cannot.” It’s way different than high school. I told them it’s…it’s not the same. It’s not like I can put off work because I still have homework, studying, work to do, you know. It’s a lot more, and it’s definitely a lot more homework. So, I feel like I’m still a little bit struggling with that part, like managing life at home. And also, like, hanging out with…I used to, like, hang out all the time with my cousins, and it’s like we’ve become distant, um, because it’s like it’s hard to manage that. It’s hard to, “Okay, I have to work, study, find time to hang out with my family, and it’s”…sometimes they go out, and I’m like. “I’m sorry. I can’t. I have homework to do,” and it really just, um…but at the same time, I’m like, this is all worth it. I feel like…I look at it I’m like, “I’d rather study for a test than go out, and then be prepared for that test…then I know…I had, you know…back to the question of how do I manage work, home, and school? Like I said, I feel like I do advocate for myself in that, like, at work I say, “Hey, I have to do this so I cannot come in tomorrow…or I have to do shorter times,” or whatever it may be. But I feel like advocating for myself and letting them know when I can go in or…um, because I do…I tell them school is my number one priority, and they know that…and at my work. And I’m so lucky that they’re very supportive of that as well…so, yeah. That’s kind of how I manage that.

Lux: It sounds like you have really good boundaries around work.

Jimena: Which is really good because, if you don’t, sometimes they could

[Talking overlaps briefly]

Anahi: Yeah, so I’m really thankful for that, that I have that support at home and at work.

Lux: How would you…how do you think being first-gen has impacted your choice of major or your career path?

Anahi: I think…well, I’m a pre-nursing major. I want to go into nursing. I definitely think first-gen has impacted that in the sense of…like I said, we don’t really see a lot of representation in the medical field. So, being first-gen, I’m like, “Whoa. I can be a first to do this, do that, you know?”…even though my goals…like, there’s so many opportunities in the nursing field, too. I don’t have to stick to one. I feel like that was the biggest motivation for me, um, just seeing that we don’t have a lot of representation. And I did have a lot of family struggle with healthcare . . . healthcare, and I feel like growing up that really impacted me as, like, you know, my parents were constantly like, “You’re in school, you know?”…they never told me, “Be a doctor”…like I feel, like for me, that’s what I really lived for. And everyone I know was telling me, “You’re like the mom of the group…you’re…” [Laughs] I would always get told that, you know, um, when someone would get hurt, I would honestly like that was my intuition…it’s like, “Go help them. Go do something,” you know? 

Lux: You’re just, like, a caregiver.

Anahi: Yeah, and I try…I try to be that, you know, but, uh, it’s hard sometimes. But, um, that really, for me, um… representation was really what impacted me, I guess, as a first-gen coming…especially coming to the U.

Lux: How did you decide to go into nursing? Like, do you have a specific area that you’re thinking about?

Anahi: Well, there’s been a couple. I’ve always loved children, and I also have always wanted to travel, so I’m like, you know, travel nurse. But I think the most…I feel that I really have looked into a lot is midwife…because, uh, my mom lost three women in her life…her mother, her sister, and her aunt to childbirth, so I cannot imagine the how…[Talking briefly overlaps] Yeah, um, and I feel like that really affected her, obviously, growing up, um, so she did not have no one to help her when she was pregnant with me. Like she told me how depressed she got. She did not know how to take care me, you know? And it’s . . . for me, like that really stuck out to me when I was little, um…especially being the oldest, I had to take care of my siblings. I feel like midwife, um, like I want to be a person that helps women who don’t, like…who believe they don’t know how to take care of their bodies before, during, and after pregnancy. Because I feel like, even after, a lot of women get depressed. Yeah, postpartum depression…um, I’ve that’s something for like…something that’s of always, always been interested in um because it did, like…actually, not even like…I had a lot of people, like, in our culture…I don’t know if you know it, like, um childbirth, um, a lot of women back then died because of childbirth, and I feel like that really, really stuck out to me as a young girl, um, when my mom would, you know, tell me those stories that really affect me. I was like, “Okay, well, I want to be that person that helps women get through that stage of life because it’s really beautiful, but it’s really sad to see how, sometimes, it’s daunting…not daunting, but, you know, it…it’s hard, and I want to be someone that helps them get through that, you know…

Jimena: Yeah, be that support person…

Anahi: Yeah, be that guidance, I guess, as well, especially because…there’s not really a lot of Latina midwives, um, so it would be…

Los: Especially in this state.

Anahi: Yes, yes, yeah, especially that. Or even like an ob/gyn, or be like…somewhere around there. I’ve always…that’s my interest.

Lux: That is so great. How do you think that being first-generation has impacted your academic success? If it has at all.

Anahi:  Um, like, the the class [First-Gen Scholars]?…or… 

Lux: Just like in general. 

Anahi: Of, like me being first-gen? 

LD: Yeah

Anahi: Um, I think the struggle of it is being…not being able to ask for help at home, I guess. I know, like if I don’t know anything, Ican’t ask my parents, I can’t ask my siblings because they don’t know . . . um, but I think it hasn’t impacted me too much just because I have really tried to advocate for myself, like I said. I think especially coming to college, it…mm, I made it a goal to, like, not let that get in my way of my academic success… like being a first-gen, I’m like, I’m going to use it to the best of my ability and, um, find resources for it. So, I, you know, being first-gen at the U…it’s been really helpful because I know of the resources now, and I get to ask people for the resources that I need to help me succeed in my academic success.

Lux: Were those resources initially, like, challenging to find, or were they pretty easy to find?

Anahi: Well, I think the first one I found was First-Gen [Scholars] or, I guess, TRIO because I was in TRIO in high school, but it was more of a, like, check-in thing. It wasn’t really too much. I remember Kevin [a staff member from First-Gen Scholars] coming to my high school…[Laughs] Oh, no, we came here [to the University of Utah]. It was a …it was a conference at the U.

Jimena: Shout out to Kevin!

Anahi: Because, I mean, we came. It was like in November of my senior year, and we came to a conference. I think it was a Mecha conference. I don’t really remember. But he talked about First-Gen [Scholars] and kind of like the resources that you guys provide and what it means, you know…for the First-Gen Scholars, so then after, um, I asked…I believe he gave, like, the information for it, and I remember right as I told my teacher, I was like, “I want to be in that class. Like if I’m gonna go to the U, I want to be part of that because I know that it’s…there’s not gonna be much help up there if I’m just going as…like…only my classes, and if I don’t join any programs, it’s gonna be really hard from the start.” So, um, that was the first thing I joined, and then, um, they told me, “Join TRIO,” and then join Gear Up. Well, I was in Gear Up in high school as well, but it was a different, like, process I guess.

Lux: Sorry, what is Gear Up?

Jimena: Yeah, I don’t know what that is either.

Anahi: Oh! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! So, in high school, um Gear Up…my high school had a lot of programs, and Gear Up…I believe it stands for something. I don’t remember what it stands for, but it’s a program that helps students, um, kind of like First-Gen [Scholars] and TRIO, like I don’t know if you know the kind of the service…yeah, the services that TRIO also give, they [Gear Up] also do that. Unfortunately, here they don’t have…their program is not big. So, it’s, um, I have to, like, meet with my advisor in, like, in areas that . . . she doesn’t have an office here. But, um, Gear Up in high school, they helped me get through all of my classes. Like they would sit down with . . . they had tutors…they would sit down with me, explain to me, like…that’s sort of what it was just basically, like tutoring and services for them–for for the students. I don’t think a lot of high schools have that. I know they have them. I know Gear Up is really big at UVU…but that was another program that, um, I really really liked in high school because, like I said, like they helped me get through my classes, and I got super close with the staff over there. But I think those three have been the biggest help because in…when I don’t know. Um, and, like, I think Joanna [a staff member in First-Gen Scholars]…I talked to her about something, and she’s like, “Oh, go to the Basic Needs Collection [sic]”…so, you know, like just in those three I ask for help, and they know where to send me for that even if you know…so, it wasn’t hard actually because I would, I guess, I would…I was, like, kind of like, here…like, here’s this, you know…it wasn’t super hard, but I was…yeah, I’m so grateful that I saw Kevin [laughs]…I saw Kevin here when I came. 

Lux: It really takes, like, some courage to talk to folks and, like, engage those services.

Anahi: Yeah

Jimena:  Yeah, which, like, props to you because I…my first year, I was like a little crab, like, in the corner like, “Don’t look at me!” 

Anahi: That was me in high school.

Jimena: It was really hard.

Anahi: That was me in high school.

Jimena: So I’m like, good for you! 

Anahi: Thank you. 

Jimena: I’m so happy that, you know, you advocated for yourself and all that stuff.

Anahi: Thank you. Yeah, like that was me in high school, like, “No, I don’t want to be like this forever”…and I’m like, “Especially if I want to go to college, like I want to start getting out of the comfort…out of that comfort zone.” So, I started joining…like my junior year, I started joining so many things…and that led to other things . . . and, like, like it is just, yeah…

Jimena: Yeah, it takes time.

Anahi: Yeah 

Jimena: It took me a lot of time, yeah

[Voices overlap briefly]

Jimena: Ooh, I think my second year is when I really started branching out at, like, college, but it takes time. 

Anahi: Yeah, it takes time. That’s why I said it’s obviously easier said than done because…

Lux: I agree.

Anahi: And my sister’s like, “Oh, my god . . . I can’t ask for help”…I’m like, no, like, I know it’s…I can’t tell her like, “Just go ask for help,” because it’s super scary. I remember…and I honestly…the first times I would ask for help…I’m like, “Oh, like I’m stupid.” Like I know that I’m, like . . . well, like I don’t know how to explain it. But it’s like, I know I’m not. Like now I look back, I’m like, “Okay, it’s not as bad as I thought.” But I felt like asking for help meant like, “How do you not know what that?” you know, like, you know . . . it was it was hard to ask for help at first.

Lux: Do you get the sense that continuing-generation students are taking advantage of that, like, relational knowledge, like, from their families, or that they share that knowledge with first-gen students?

Anahi: Based on all the people that I’ve met…when I came to orientation, I met a couple of people, and I like had them for classes…just because, like. We’re in the nursing field. I definitely think they try to share that knowledge. I have heard some things like…I don’t know how to explain it, but they view it as…I can definitely see how they view college as like, “Oh, I’m here for partying and fun and, you know.”…but I definitely met people that shared that knowledge with me. And they said, “Oh, like, my mom was a nurse” so…or like “my, you know, this-and-this was a nurse, so, like, this is what she advised me to do” and they would share that with me. Okay, so, I feel like the people that…at least that I met…hat they shared the knowledge that they’ve had from their parents. Or even if it wasn’t their parents, it was definitely someone in their family that they learned from. So, I didn’t feel like that also made me feel better…

Lux: Yeah 

Anahi: …coming here because I’m like, okay, they’re not just here to, like, you know, yeah…like I met a lot of girls that shared their experience with, like, “Oh, my parents came here and they told me this” and yeah, that made me feel better because they’re super, super nice…and like, super, super fun, like super, like welcoming, I guess. Yeah.

Lux: There are a lot of misconceptions about continuing-generation students versus first-generation students having different skills and abilities.

Anahi: Yeah

Lux: But we actually find that a lot of them are the same, like even with that family support for continuing-generation folks…so, all of that is to say, you belong here. 

Anahi: Yeah

Lux: Definitely. Yeah, it is interesting, though, how a lot of folks are like, “Yeah, I don’t know what I’m doing here.” [laughs]

Anahi: No, yeah, I definitely…[laughs]

Lux: It’s pretty common.

Anahi: And I feel like, okay, it’s okay if you don’t know what you want to do. You know, what do you want to major in, but I feel like it they see it as more as a, “Well, my parents are paying for it, so I’m here” you know? 

Lux: Gotcha

Jimena: That’s where I’m like…it throws you off…cause you’re like, wait, I’m over here struggling.

Anahi: Yeah 

Jimena: And you’re, like, really trying to make something out of this. But you’re [speaking to those whose parents are paying their way] here just like, “Oh, we’ll see”…like not really caring.

Anahi & Lux: Yeah 

Jimena: So, when you do meet those people, it, like, throws you off a little bit because you’re like, like, you don’t realize how much privilege you have…

Anahi: Yeah 

Jimena: …to, like, have your parents be paying for it. Like, care a little more. 

Anahi: Yeah 

Jimena: It’s just a little, like, an eye opener.

Anahi: And that’s what I…yeah, that’s what I meant, kind of like. it’s okay to not know your major…it’s okay, you know, but it’s just like Jimena said. It kind of throws you off to be, like…

Lux: Yeah, to encounter that kind of privilege, when you’re like, “Oh, well I am paying to be here.”

Anahi: Yeah

Jimena: Yeah, I’m fighting for the next scholarship to pay my tuition, like I don’t have that luxury of, yeah, “Oh, well. We’ll see,” you know? Like up-in-the-air type of thing 

Lux: Yeah…so, this is a slightly different direction. So, feeling a sense of belonging in college…research tells us this has, like, a big impact on whether a student will continue school or not. Do you feel like you have a sense of belonging at the university here?

Anahi: I feel like I do, um, especially when I go to First-Gen [Scholars]. Yeah, because everyone there, even though, like, we’re in different families, everyone gets along. Everyone involves each other. Everyone tell, like, we tell our stories. Everyone tells our stories, um, but even outside of First- Gen [Scholars], I felt like I’ve worked hard for this so I belong here . . . like, I’ve . . . this has been my goal forever…and I tried to fight those…like that Imposter Syndrome so much, especially in the beginning. But I also tried to, like, not be so hard on myself as to, like, okay…

Lux: That is so hard to do, too.

Anahi: Yeah, it is…it is just because…like Jimena…kind of like going back to that thing where…I met these people and they would be out partying, like, “Oh, like, let’s go to this”…and they would get good grades on their exams. And I’m like, well, I spent the whole weekend studying, and, like, I barely even made it to what I wanted it to be, so in that sense, it was hard for me to be like, “Well, like do I even belong in the class like, um, this . . . this advanced, you know?”…and and, like, I’m like, “What am I doing wrong?” Kind of like I would question myself, like, I don’t maybe, like, maybe I don’t know how to study, maybe, um . . . it was more like that, but I’ve never felt like, “Oh, I don’t belong here,”…I’ve never felt that way…I don’t think, yeah, um I don’t, like…coming here, I’m, like, orientation? It did shock me. Like, okay, like, it’s really, really big, um . . . but I also knew that I kind of prepared myself. Like, I’ve always wanted to come here. I’ve been here so many times, but coming on a field trip with your high school is way different than, than, than being a student here. So, it’s just . . . but, no, I have never felt like, “Oh I don’t belong here,” um, just because, yeah, like I’ve always wanted to come to the U. I’ve always had that goal in mind, and now that I’m here I’m like, “Okay, like, I got this”…kind of…yeah. [laughs]

Lux: As far as, like, your experiences with, like, faculty/instructors/staff, do you feel like the folks who work at the U have a good understanding of what it’s like to be a first-generation student? 

Anahi: Um, outside of First-Gen [Scholars]? I don’t think so, um, just because I’ve…ike I said, whenever there’s something that went wrong or I needed help with something, I would reach out, and I feel like they kind of threw it as like, “Oh, just do that and that and that”…

Lux: Like, oversimplified, yeah . . . 

Anahi: Yeah…FAFSA has been a struggle, like that thing, um, I mean, I guess it depends, but I, I remember going to the student services building, and they were kind of really like, “Okay, we’re not gonna extend it, but you have this…like, you have time…kind of like, “Don’t worry.” But I’m like, well, I’m like, I’m worried! [Talking briefly overlaps] I“Don’t worry?” This is, like, the main . . . 

Lux: Yeah 

Anahi: This is something huge for me, like…you know, FAFSA is the reason I’m here, like…so they kind of brushed it off, I guess…that’s why I said outside of First-Gen [Scholar] just because I always go to First-Gen [Scholars] to ask for help first, um, just because of the experiences I’ve had. And then I also, like, I mentioned…I went to the Basic Needs Collection [sic], and I’ve noticed there, too, um, the woman I spoke to . . . she was kind of like, “Here,” like, you know, like, “Here this is,” I’m like, well, I kind of explained to her my situation, and she was like, “Oh well, you know, I’ll give you a document of all the stuff that I can provide for you,” but, um, I felt like I wasn’t really, um, like, helped through it, you know, because I would ask as many questions as I could, but I feel like she kind of just blamed me explained to me, you know, um, which is why I always, like I said, like, I asked First-Gen [Scholars] first, and then if they can’t, I will ask outside…those are kind of my main experiences I’ve had outside of First-Gen [Scholars] with the faculty, um, but I definitely say they kind of do brush it off as…at First-Gen [Scholars], you know, um, they kind of see it as, like, not as a big deal as is is to me, yeah, I’m not sure if other students have that way…

Jimena: I’ve had some instances where it’s like, I go to them, and…it’s like, “Hey, I need help with this,” whether it’s, like, with tutoring or something, and they’ll explain it like if I’m already supposed to know it…or like, for example, I had a situation where I had to go fill out FAFSA as well, and I went to talk to, like, a financial aid counselor, and they explained how to do FAFSA, but it’s like they were doing it, like, as if I already knew, like, I’m supposed to know this stuff…it’s like, “Well, my parents don’t know. Like, how am I supposed to know?” And, like, they almost come off like annoyed for, like, asking questions. It’s, like, like, “This is your job.” 

[Talking overlaps briefly]

Lux: Yeah! Like, “It’s your job!”

Jimena: Yeah, it’s almost like they hate ask-…like, answering your questions. Like, well, “You work with students. You should know these things. You should be okay with questions.” 

Lux: Yeah, that’s a huge barrier, I think, for, like, getting the support you need because FAFSA is not intuitive at all. There’s so much jargon, and, I mean, a government document is not written to be like…I don’t think it’s meant to be as easily consumed as say, like, a newspaper, you know? So, we talked about FAFSA a little bit…um, do you feel that being a first-generation student, um, impacted your ability to pay tuition or to acquire financial aid? You mentioned there were some barriers with the folks in the financial aid office being kind of dismissive. Is that fair?

Anahi: Yeah, yeah. 

Lux: Okay 

Anahi: …was that when I was, like, deciding where to go…that was my first thought, like, “How am I gonna pay for school?” I was like, “If I don’t get this scholarship, I cannot go to the U”…and I have a For Utah scholarship, so, for that…for me to keep that, FAFSA is the key component to it…so, you know, if…you know, this year I don’t get FAFSA, they don’t give me my For Utah, and it’s like…I thought it, like…that was the main, I guess, barrier that I thought about because I’m like, “How am I gonna pay for school?”…I don’t want to drop out, but I also don’t know how I’m gonna afford to go to work and then pay for my schooling, um, just because it’s so much…so so so much, you know. And it’s out of my parents reach, too. And I think, yeah, financial aid as a first-gen has…that was, um, it’s the biggest thing as a first-gen to come to the U, um, at least for me because it’s really, really hard, um, well, as a senior…like I said, I tried to apply to as many scholarships as I could and, um, I was, um, I guess, for the For Utah, I wasn’t supposed to do any, like…I wasn’t…I wasn’t given an essay or anything, but I was like, there was certain criteria I had to meet…and I had to think about, “Okay, um, okay, this is a four-year ride, but is it really?…just because I would look back, and it’s like, “Well, okay, it is a four-year, um, I guess, scholarship, but only if you meet these things every year,” yeah…

Jimena: Yeah, I have that scholarship, but it’s, it’s a little tricky because, like, sometimes…like if you get more money from other scholarships, they will actually take your For Utah 

Anahi:  Yeah…take it away…

Jimena: I don’t know if you know that, but I’ve had instances where, um, I have a scholarship, they give me the money, and since my tuition is already paid for, that money should be for me, right? But the For Utah…and what financial aid does, they will go in and remove that For Utah and then take that money that I got from that scholarship. So, they’re just taking money away from me, essentially, but I can’t do anything because it’s like, “Well, if I go tell you, you’re taking all of my money away, and it’s, like, I need to come to school, so I’m just gonna do it”…so I understand how it’s a little bit frustrating. [Talking overlaps briefly]

Anahi: Yeah, yeah, it is a little bit frustrating with that just because, like you said, I can’t…I have to be also mindful. I do also want to apply to more scholarships at the U, but I also have to be mindful of what can I apply to, um, to not get that money taken away?

Lux: That is so complicated.

Anahi: Yeah

Lux: Yeah, I think that it…like you said, it makes such a huge difference having, like, Kevin and Joanna [staff members in First-Gen Scholars] to help with FAFSA.

Anahi: Yeah 

Lux: Because they are not dismissive. 

Anahi: Yeah

Lux: They’re super supportive and knowledgeable. 

Anahi: Yeah, they both have…well, Joanna has helped me so much, too, and she helped me fill out the paper form, and it’s just …I was like…oh my God…like, what, you know… and especially because, like, I was, like, “What does this mean?” [unintelligible] and Joanna, like, sat down with me, explained it, and made me feel so much better…

Jimena: You don’t feel rushed with them.

Anahi: Yeah

Lux: That is a huge benefit really because, like, that sense of urgency can really kind of trigger a lot of anxiety in the process. It’s, like, not very intuitive or easy to follow.

Anahi: Especially because I know they’ve been through this. They know what it’s like to not know something so that really really helped.

Lux: Looking into the future…if you were either addressing like future first-generation students or even addressing like future members of your family, like–whether you decide to have children or not–what kind of advice would you give around navigating these systems that were, as we know, designed by and for cis-, het- white guys. Any, like, words of encouragement or advice or guidance that you want to pass on?

Anahi: Like I said, I think asking for help…or even, not even, maybe not even asking for help, but sort of finding that courage in you to kind of branch out and see what opportunities you have, I’d say, really helped me, um, I and I want that for everyone. I would say I know it’s obviously harder to say, “Ask for help,” but, um, for me, like, that’s been my biggest help–to ask for help, or look for opportunities, or look for resources because that can lead you to a long, long path. I think that would be, like, my biggest advice: To reach out. Maybe it’s like…I started off with my teacher. I started asking her for help–someone you trust someone, yeah, you know, you have that confidence to be like, “Okay, I need help with this,” or “How do I start this?” or “How do I go about this?” um, especially entering college. I definitely say, like, looking for that support, finding that group of support, too, because I feel like, without support, it just makes it so much harder to ask for help.

Lux: Sounds good. 

Jimena: Yeah

Lux: Thank you so much for your help!

Anahi: Of course! Thank you, guys.