Interviewer: Lux Darkbloom 
Interview Subject: Sophia 

Sophia: So my name is Sophia. I am the only daughter of a family of five, so I have both my parents, my older brother, who is 23 at the moment, and my younger brother, who is nine. So I am currently 19 and I am first-generation American. I love being first-generation American, but it definitely does come with its struggles. My mom is from Sinaloa, Mexico, and my dad is from San Nicolás, Argentina, so I definitely have the Argentine-Mexican brawl within the family. And yeah, I grew up in Orem, Utah–very, very predominantly white. Grew up a little bit more south through that as well, like throughout my elementary educational career. I was basically…I’m very fair-skinned, but I was basically the darkest there. And I definitely didn’t know that I was different until I started going to school, because back home, my whole family, we all come in different shades of skin, and it was not shown, or I guess there wasn’t much of a difference other than what city we were born in. But it was really hard because I couldn’t…I fit in because of the color of my skin, but at the same time, I didn’t because of the languages that I spoke, because of my experiences, because of my background, because of the things I would say differently.

I grew up speaking Spanish first. I learned English throughout elementary school. I still get told every day in my life, of my 19 years of life, that I have an accent when I speak English, which is insane to me. I’ve had teachers and principals and, like, educators that tell me that I will not be able to learn English properly, but that’s another occasion. Throughout my whole life living in Orem, it was very lonely. I went to a school, again, predominantly white. I didn’t really necessarily fit in, but at the same time, I did. I always try to move along to groups [unintelligible] so that I could feel like I belonged. I didn’t have really much friends. My parents are very Christian and very conservative with the idea of me having friends, and there’s the notion where it’s a phrase where it’s, “Uno nunca sabe,” so I couldn’t really go to friends’ house without my parents knowing their parents. And again, like, predominantly white…My mom didn’t really trust white people back then, so didn’t really have the notion of growing up with a best friend or anything like that, but it was pretty lonely. But I made sure I wasn’t lonely, so I participated in a lot of academic events. I was part of student council for as long as I can remember. Even though I was different, it was the only way that I felt like I fit in. Same thing throughout middle school, like I was part of student council. It was really fun. I was also part of Latinos in Action. That was the first time I actually felt like I belonged because they knew what I went through, you know, like the phrases that my parents would say, or the things that they would say, the experiences, like, you know, going [unintelligible] or going to church. And even though I grew up here in Utah, which is predominantly Mormon, I, as a Seventh-day Adventist, go to church on Saturday, and a lot of the community that I connected with were Catholics, who also had mass on Saturday. And I didn’t feel alone. I didn’t feel like an outcast just because I go to church on Saturdays. But it was really nice. It was really nice.

It didn’t hit me hard until COVID year. Dang, I hated COVID. I hated COVID like crazy. I missed a lot of my freshman year of high school. Didn’t really get to meet friends. Felt really lonely. Felt very lonely. And I will push the loneliness because COVID just, I’m already, I already have like a certain amount of like social battery throughout my day. And it just pushed that I have an even shorter social battery. And it was terrible. It was terrible. I didn’t really make friends right away. I loved…Like I said before, I tried to involve myself personally into academics and like sports and stuff like that. So I joined the volleyball team at my high school, thinking I could find a community. But I didn’t. It was, it was one of the best experiences I had for myself personally as an athlete. But it was one of the worst experiences I had trying to make friends. And I also have, I also have a chronic illness, unfortunately. But it happened around the same time during COVID. So back, I guess, then in COVID years, which was not long ago, I was, my immune system, I guess I was labeled as immunocompromised throughout high school. And I was so limited already to a lot of things because of COVID. And because of my chronic illness, I was even more limited. I missed school for like three months. And I didn’t really connect with my peers, with my class, I guess. And a lot of teachers held that against me. Thankfully, I had like one or two teachers who were like, “Hey, if you like you feel comfortable, go ahead.” But it took a lot of convincing my mom to even let me go to school in person because of my illness. You know, she’s like, “It’s okay”…like after a lot of convincing, and trust me, I did a lot of convincing…she’s like, “You can go to school, but you have to wear a mask.” And I was the only person in my school wearing a mask for, like, a year and a half. But I didn’t care because if that was what it meant for me to go to school in person…because that’s how I personally think I get educated better…I did it, and I struggled, and I sweat a lot under that mask throughout the day. But it was so worth it.

Again, like during these years, I was part of Latinos in Action, Student Council, like National Honor Society. And like I…You can see my house, my high school academics, and you can tell that I was like involved. And I was into it. I really liked it. I really did. But at the same time, I was so out of it. Like, I just did it because I knew that my education was my only, only way out.

You know, I grew up in poverty. My parents are both immigrants. At the time, they were both undocumented. And it was one of the hardest times. And prior to my high school experience, like when I was about 12 years-old, my father got deported back to his country. And it was really hard because I didn’t know…I mean, I was just a kid, but I didn’t know what I had to do in order for me to feel like a person again. And I thought school was the only way out. It was like, it was a really hard moment. But it was like…I just felt so distant sometimes because I couldn’t really relate to anyone because, again, like predominantly White school. I was like one of the few, and, like, my friends who were Hispanic, my friends who were Latinos, like their parents are very privileged enough to be documented. And yet they didn’t take advantage of, you know, education and stuff like that. So I felt kind of lonely in, like, these activities because Hispanics here in Utah, I guess, are not as encouraged to participate in Student Council, or National Honor Society, or extracurriculars like sports. They’re not as encouraged. And as much as that hurts my heart, I couldn’t really just do anything about it because they saw me as, like, a goody two-shoes. “Goody two-shoes”? Is how you say. I don’t know. But I was seen as that. And but like they saw me, they’re like, “Oh, it’s because you’re an overachiever. Sophia, you’re such an overachiever. You do too much,” you know.

And for my junior year of high school, I was Latinos in Action president. And it was really fun. It was really fun. I definitely showed a lot of my peers what it really takes to have fun, but in order to be as professional as possible, especially with, like, adults, especially for those who see you as much less than. And one thing that I’ve always got told throughout my mom, like throughout my educational career through my mom was, “Sophia, there is an A plus and there’s like a C, right?” And I’m like, “Okay, yeah. C is like passing.” And I’m like, she always asked me, like, “Why do you always go for an A?” And I’m like, “Because it’s better to get an A.” She’s like, “Yes, but what else?” And so I would always respond with, “Oh, well, I can get scholarships like that, or I can get into a good university, or I can get a good job with my good grades, and I can learn stuff.” She’s like, “Yes, but you are Hispanic, and you already are seen as less than. And you are expected to get Cs. But I want you to overcome their ideas of you and get as much, as best as possible, that way that they can change their mind for people like you.” And ever since that day, like we had that conversation, it always stuck with me. And I would tell my peers in Latinos in Action, “Why are you going to go for…Why just go for a C? You know, like, I know you’re not trying, like, but why don’t you just go for your best? Like, don’t go for the minimum. Like, do your best as possible, even if it’s a B or a C plus or an A minus. I don’t care. Like, as long as it’s your best, and you’re doing the work, and you’re pushing yourself, that is what I’m asking for you. I’m not asking you to do the bare minimum.” Because I also, I gave them the hard truth, where higher education is not spoken of at home for most of my classmates. And I’m like, a lot of jobs in a lot of colleges, like if you’re going to want to think about this, like, we are already right here, and everyone else is up here. We got to do other things in order for us to even reach them, like, barely. And I think education, especially for us, like Latinos and for us Hispanics, like that’s the only way out here in this country. And that is what I did.

I did everything I could to get the best grades possible. I took a bunch of college classes. I was in a program called Upward Bound through UVU. It was a TRIO program, and I am very much blessed and privileged that I had those opportunities. I took college classes for free. I took college classes for cheap. You know, I might be a freshman right here, right now, but I’m a sophomore credit-wise, and I could not be much more grateful, and I could not be much more grateful. I’m honestly very grateful for the opportunities that I have been given throughout my college years. But even though I did really good academically, I felt so distant. Like my culture, likewise, with Student Council and, like, National Honor Society, I was the only Latina trying at these things. And so when I would say certain things, or I would do certain things, they’d be like, “Hmm, why are you doing that?” And I’m like, “Oh, I don’t know why there’s so much question to what I’m doing.” But I would always be seen as like, hmm, you know, like Latina, “She’s, she’s like doing something.” And I’m like, “Well, Latinos do a lot of things. And I’m just using my advantage, my opportunities to do it, you know, because this is just one way for me. Because I know that there is no other way for me.” And they didn’t understand my financial situation, you know. Like my dad was deported throughout this whole time. And so, like, they had no idea what I was going through at home. And school was the only way that I felt like a person, if that makes sense. 

Lux: Yeah, I think that when destabilizing things like that happen when you’re a child, especially, there’s so little that you have control over, right? School is definitely a thing that you zeroed in on as, “This is something that I have the ability to influence here.”

Sophia: Mm-hmm. That’s exactly what I thought. That’s exactly how I thought. And I think I still think that way a little bit. And a little bit, I think it’s a little bit more toxic now that I’m in college. But that’s definitely how I thought. And I mean, it put me through high school. It was one of the worst experiences I ever had in high school. I mean, it’s like what people nowadays say. I actually had a friend, he’s in the First-Gen [Scholars] program, too, and he was talking about peaking in high school. And I was like, “Oh, I don’t think I peaked in high school.” And he was like asking me, “Oh, did you do this and this and this and this?” And I’m like, “Yeah.” And he goes, “But do you feel like you miss it?” And I’m like, “Oh, not at all.” And he goes, “Then you didn’t peak.” Some people who peaked in high school miss it and want to go back. And I definitely do not want to go back. It’s because I felt, I was, like, so different. I couldn’t even talk about me being Mexican. I couldn’t even, people looked at me different when I was on the phone with my mom talking in Spanish. Like, it was just so weird. And I didn’t…You know what I actually realized? Me growing up in Utah, my skin color was so noticed than me going to Mexico. Yeah. And like, because they don’t care. As long as I can speak Spanish. Like, I’m very, I mean, my Spanish is not the best, but I can still communicate. I can go on the phone. I can make a joke. Like, I can do all these things. And they’re like, “Oh, she’s just another Mexican girl,” you know? But here, they’re like, “Oh, you’re not Mexican. You’re not brown enough.” Or “You’re not…You’re too white.” Or, or “You’re too tall.” I get that all the time. And I’m like, “What is wrong with people?” I don’t even think like that. But it’s insane. 

Lux: There are a lot of assumptions about national identity. 

Sophia: And it’s like, and it’s like only here in the US. It’s not really noticed outside. It’s really bad. Anyway. 

Lux: Do you live in Orem still? 

Sophia: No, so I actually live on campus. 

Lux: Okay. 

Sophia: So I got a scholarship that encouraged me to live on campus. So my older brother got this scholarship called the Daniels Fund. And he’s very much like…he’s very blessed. So it’s like a full-ride scholarship to any college in the US. So like anywhere. Like full-ride anywhere. I unfortunately didn’t get that. I’m not the best test taker so my ACT score is not as good as I wanted it to be. But I didn’t get it. But it’s okay. I have other plans. But he was like, “Oh, statistically proven”…my brother, he’s so smart. I love him. He’s like, “Oh, statistically proven it’s best for freshmen to live on campus first year.” And I was like, “Okay.” So I mainly focused on getting a scholarship for me to live on campus. And that’s exactly what I did. I live on campus. One of the best and worst experiences I’ve ever had. It’s so bad. It’s so bad. It’s not the, it’s not the fact that I can’t live without my parents or, like, my mom. Like my mom is my best friend. And even though I miss her, it’s, like, the fact that people around me, like the youth, the teenagers…I guess they’re still teens. Nineteen is still a teen in my eyes. But the young adults, they think that just because their parents aren’t around, they can do whatever they want. But they’re not being mindful of everyone around them, and that really pisses me off. I’m like, “Just so show some class, show some respect. Come on.” Like they vandalize our halls. And like, for the first three months, they kept vandalizing things in our buildings. And the university, like the residential housing, sent everyone an email saying that, if people keep vandalizing, that’s going to go on our bill, everyone’s bill, like $600. And I’m like, “I’m not about to pay $600 for other people’s wrongs.” And anyway, I just don’t like it. And the people above me, like, I think their beds are lofted so they tend to jump off. And they do that at, like, 3am. And I get woken up to my bed shaking, because my bed is also lofted. But I get woken up to my bed shaking. And I think there’s an earthquake. 

Lux: Wouldn’t be unheard of around these parts, right? 

Sophia: It’s so bad. It’s really bad. So I’m not gonna live on campus next year. I mean, it was fun. I met my roommate. She’s really fun. She’s Navajo so I definitely learned a new culture, new traditions, a new language. And so it was really cool getting to know her. Maybe not the people around me so much, but I’m definitely gonna miss her. We’re kind of, like, very similar in very different ways. Her culture and my culture. We’re very different. Yeah, at the same time, we’re so, like…we have so much in common. But yeah, like, I’m definitely gonna miss her. But if you want to live on campus, like, I’m not saying don’t live on campus. It’s just [that] those are just some factors that I didn’t take in mind of me living on campus. 

Lux: It’s hard to predict stuff like what the culture of the residential housing will be like. 

Sophia: And you know, I live at Kahlert. So I live in the Diversity Cohort at Kahlert, which is literally just a hall, not even the entire hall. It’s just like the back end of the hall. And I’ve noticed that the majority of the people that live at Kahlert are, like, predominantly white. 

Lux: This is the diversity cohort?

Sophia: No, the Diversity Cohort… Oh, we’re all diverse. I’m talking about the whole building in general. Like there are some…like if you check the Honors College, the Honors College is much more diverse than the rest of the other halls, like the Health and Wellness [cohort]. I literally went to one because my friend lives in one and it’s, like, all white people, like all white dudes. And I’m like, hmm, okay. And then I go to Sage Point, or I go to Chapel Glen because I have friends that live there, and like I’m telling you again, like predominantly white, like I don’t, I don’t really see…and then at Lassonde, Lassonde has much more diversity than like these buildings. Or I know MHC, which is the Marriott Honors College housing, they have much more diversity because I think they have a lot more international students that come and live there. But like it is, it’s very hard. 

Lux: But the housing that you’re in, it’s dedicated just a tiny portion then to, in quotes, “diversity.”

Sophia: Yeah, so I’m in the Community Engagement Tower, and I’m on the fourth floor with the Hive from the Bennion Center. So the Bennion Center already has its own separate thing. But it’s literally just like–let me count–about 14 rooms all in just one, which is, out of the entire building, that’s actually not a lot. And there’s, like, two people in each room, or, like, two to three people, so maybe like one or two. But yeah, so there’s not, there’s not a lot. But not even then, I know, they’re allowed to. 

Lux: So our demographics here, we’re historically and continue to be a predominantly White university, like, big-time, including faculty. I want to say we’re upwards of 80% White faculty. And in a state where the university is one of the very…one of those resources where you actually get to meet diverse populations, even then, like the faculty, the surrounding community, it’s…

Sophia: It’s hard.

Lux: It is very hard.

Sophia: No, I actually, one of the biggest reasons I was gonna come to the University of Utah was its diversity. You know, oh my gosh, I grew up in Orem, and I wanted something to change, but I couldn’t afford to go out of state. I really…I couldn’t…I still can’t, as much as I would love to. Long story short, the University of Utah was not my first option, but it’s the best option here in Utah. Like, I…USU? Uh-uh. BYU? I got a full-ride to BYU, but I knew that it would be, like, a toll on me mentally because they encourage, like, religion classes and I . . . and their population is like very…It’s worse. Like, it’s actually much worse. And then there’s UVU. But UVU, like, even though it’s okay-ish, it’s like high school all over again because I knew too many people that were gonna go there. And then there’s SUU and Utah Tech, and I was like, uh-uh. As much as I’m grateful that these organizations are near, I was not gonna put myself through that mentally, so I came here, no. But I…it was a cultural shock just as much as I think I would have gone to any other university in Utah. But yeah. 

Lux: What first really inspired you to pursue higher ed? Around what age did you start thinking like, “Yeah, I want to go to college”? 

Sophia: Since as long as I can remember, my mom would always say that she wanted to be an engineer. So before she came to the US–she was about 19-ish, I think–she was studying back in Mexico, in Mexicali to be exact, to be an engineer, a mechanical engineer. And she is one of the smartest people I know. She’s one of the hardest workers I know. Like, she will push to do everything at her best and to the, like, best that it could be, basically. She is the definition of “overachiever” in my mind. But she would always say how she regretted not going to school. She had my…She married my dad at a young age. She had my older brother and I at a young age. She made it very clear that she didn’t regret having us, and she didn’t regret marrying my dad, but she regretted not choosing herself first. And I definitely want to fulfill that for her in a way. But again, like, education, higher education is the only way out, you know, out of, like, my poverty that I have. Out of financial struggles and, you know…me, as a first-generation, I have, like, I have, like, this certain high expectation for myself that I need to do for my family. And so that’s why I think I’m doing it. But also, I don’t want to get married right now. I want to live my life. I want to be free in my 20s. I want to travel. I want to go to school. I want to get my education. I want to do what I want first. And I know that kids are not in my path. You know, like, I’m 10 years older than my little brother. And throughout my, like, my dad’s deportation, I raised my little brother. Like, my whole family will say, I raised my little brother. He’s my best friend. But I don’t think I could put myself through that right now. I think that that was enough. Like, that was enough. And I wasn’t even in my 20s yet. So I was like, “You know what? I’m just gonna wait.” Like, “Do I want kids? Maybe not. Will that change in the future? Perhaps.” I’m dating, but I’m not even dating. Like, I don’t think I should put myself through that right now because that’s, like, a whole other thing that I have to put myself through. And I don’t want that. I want to focus myself on my education because I want to make sure that I have a good life for myself. I definitely have the notion, I tell my mom all the time, like, “Mom, I do not want to live the way that we lived.” And if I have kids? Even much more that I motivated myself to get out of what we did. But also, I want to do stuff in return for her because she has done so much. So, for sure, it’s me at a young age thinking, like, okay, like, my mom, that’s what my mom did. But throughout high school, I realized, I’m like, oh, shoot. College is the only way out. Like, I actually have to go to school. And as much as I don’t like school, I have to. And I told myself, I’m like, you know what? What am I going to do? Well, first, I was, like, thinking, like, do I really want to go to school? Like, do I? Like, when I graduated high school, I was like, oh, my gosh, do I want to really go to school? Like, do I want to put myself through this? But I told myself, what do I want to do? Like, what do you want to do, Sophia? And I would ask myself constantly. And I changed from, like, accounting to social work, sociology, psychology. And then I was like, you know what? I really like politics. I really like politics. I love arguing. I would, I’m, this is funny, but I would, I’m, I love to be an educated hater on anything. If I hate a movie, I will watch it detail by detail, and I will tell you why I hate it. Like, recently, like, I read all the Colleen Hoover books. I hate them all. And when I argue with a girl who loves Colleen Hoover, I’m like, it’s not good. And I love to contradict people. I just love that. I think I just love that for myself. Anyway, beside the point. Anyway, I love politics, and I love arguing. I love getting my points. I love being passionate about, like, people. You know, I’m a person, especially, like, a minority group, and so, and multiple minorities. So I’m, I understand. I’m a woman. I’m a Latina. I’m literally low income. I, I can literally name a name, and I will understand, and I have that compassionate feeling for them. So I will passionately fight for people like me. And if me going to higher education is, if that’s what that means, I will, I will do it. And I don’t know, currently, I want to go to law school. Do I know exactly what? Maybe not. I don’t know if I want to do criminal justice, or if I want to do, like, immigration, or, like, families, or, like, I don’t know. I have no idea, but all I know is that I want to, I want, I want to help people like me, you know? And, like, right now, like, my main focus is immigration, you know? Like, my whole,my story, that’s literally my story. Like, my dad being deported, like, we were homeless for about, like, a year. I couldn’t really tell anyone, like, it could have risked, like, my mom, like, having us taken away from her. And, like, I knew my mom was, like, not a terrible mom. It’s just, that was, like, our circumstances. And I just, I don’t want that upon anyone else. And so I think that’s what I’m mainly going for. It was, like, one of the hardest times in my life. And I was just a kid. And I think about that now. And, you know, it was during the time where the whole, like, kids in cages…that broke my heart because I was talking to my older brother and I told him, “Danny, that could be us. That could be, that could, that could literally be us.” Like, she hasn’t, like, that could literally be us. Like, she could get taken right now and we could go somewhere else. Like, we could be separated. And I know that the system here with adoption and foster is absolute shit. It is absolute shit. And I had an aunt who fosters. And the stories that I would hear from these families, these kids’ families, on the fact that the social worker doesn’t listen to these kids’ lives, what they’re telling them to help them get a better life. Like, their parents, they’re not, they’re not, they’re not being parents. And so now they’re being sent away to terrible people and they’re not, they’re not being heard. And that just breaks my heart. And that’s, like, a whole other situation than what I’m going through. But I told myself that, “Gosh, I cannot let anyone else go through that.” It’s one of the hardest times in my life. And I just told myself I could not see a little girl like me wonder where her next meal was going to be or wondering if she’s ever going to see her dad again or if she’s, if she’s ever going to feel like a little girl again. And I, I told myself that I couldn’t handle listening to that. And so I told myself, “Sophia, you are privileged because of the color of your skin in this country, because of the languages that you speak, because of the education that you get access to,” because me being born here, I have all these privileges. And I would much rather . . . I, I say it like I want, I didn’t have anyone to guide me. And, and if I could be that guide for someone else to make their lives much more at ease, I would much rather do that. And that is exactly what I would do. And it was just hard. And I didn’t even get to college at that point. But college kind of makes it a little bit, you know, I thought I was okay. You know, the first three months of my freshman year living here, it was, like, probably one of the worst ones. I cried every night because I missed my mom. I didn’t have friends. I went to the classes, like, for the First-Gen [Scholars] classes, like, but we were all kind of like, just starting out, like, getting to know each other. But I kid you not, like, once we got to know each other, I heavily rely on them on a lot of things. We laugh and we giggle. We do the craziest things. Like, we have so much fun together. Like, my family specifically, like, Ian and Junior have been the biggest help. And like, they might be, they might look big and scary, but they’re one of the sweetest people that I know. And they’re one of the most caring people. They make sure that I’m okay, you know. And we just have fun. We literally have such a blast. And I’m, like, I’m far away from home. I’m not that far, but I’m so far. But we all, like, since we know that we’re all kind of far-ish from home, like, we all get together so that we don’t feel like that. And honestly, like, being in First-Gen [Scholars] has helped me a lot because I felt like I could connect with people. You know, me talking about, like, being low-income, like, my experiences as a Latina or me being Latina in general, like, I feel a lot more comfortable and at ease, like, talking to them about these things because in high school, I could never. I was an outcast there, but here, I’m, like, one of them, you know. And so, and as much as I don’t like saying it, we’ve had terrible experiences because of our backgrounds, but we can connect together with it and feel much more emotionally connected because of that. And First-Gen [Scholars] has helped me a lot, like, financially, yes. A community, yes, here on campus. And I, you know, I’m not the party, like, party Friday nights, Thursday nights. I’m not, I don’t like partying. And I felt, like, so lonely, but, like, with First-Gen [Scholars], like, my family and, like…not just my family, but, like, other members of First-Gen [Scholars], like, they have helped me a lot. Like, I feel much more comfortable. I feel comfortable going to the first gen space to study, to take a nap, you know, like…oh my gosh, Linda and Kevin, like, they have helped me so much. And then, Joanna…they’re, they’re so nice.Like, I, here on campus, it’s already hard enough to do certain things, like, if I want to get something printed, like, why the hell am I paying?

Lux: Agreed. 

Sophia: Why am I gonna pay? I literally text Joanna, I’m like, “Hey, can you print this for me?” And she’s like, “Of course. I will always do anything [for you],” and she will print it for me, like, right away. And then the pantry, like, ugh, the food here sucks, and I will, ugh . . . Okay, I went to Mexico for spring break, and my tia, she’s like, “Sofi, te voy a dar cincuenta dolares para que te compras comida.” And I was like, ‘Oh my gosh, you’re the best.” And I kid you not, like, I go home, and I . . . I go home every weekend. So, I go to church every Saturday, and I see my mom. And I end up going home, because she’s like, “Stay with me.” And I’m like, “Okay.” So, I sometimes see her on the weekends. And my tia or my mom be making, like, mole, or chilaquiles, or huevo con chorizo. Like they be making these things because of how much I complain the food here sucks. And they make it so that I could eat. They, they make it so I could eat. And that, honestly, I love them for that. And I know, like, my tia, she’s probably going to hear this. Maybe not. Hopefully not. She’s going to see this, but I know I’m not her favorite. She loves my brothers, and I know that I’m not her favorite. But her doing that…for the longest time, I didn’t think she, like, I know she loved me, because I was her niece. But she…her doing that, like, it’s like, oh my gosh, she loves me. But, but for sure, like, the food here sucks. And the fact that at Calor, I’m forced to have a dumb frickin’ meal plan to eat, even though the food sucks. You know what? The freshman 15, I was like, people are crazy. Before I went to college, people are crazy. No, I understand why people, that’s like a thing, or that’s a saying, because the food there is so greasy. So greasy. It’s the same food every morning, every lunch, and every night. The same food. Pizza, burgers, french fries, quesadillas…very poorly done. And you know what? And I don’t blame the workers at all. And I don’t blame the workers, because I’ve had an instance where they accidentally, like, gave me a really greasy patty. And I’m like, “Oh, hey, can, like, you just, like, wipe down the burger?” like, and they’re like, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry.” And I’m like, “No, like, don’t think that it’s your fault. Like, never think that it’s your fault. Like, mm-mm, like, this is your job, and I get it, like, when jobs are required to do certain things, but, like, don’t think that it’s your fault.” And I don’t blame the workers at all, but the food is nasty. Sometimes it has no flavor. I literally have my own hot sauce to go and eat, because they have, like . . . they don’t have, like, the good hot sauces in the dining hall. They have, like, what’s that lady? Chalupa?

Lux: Oh, Cholula?

Sophia: Cholula! That one. That one’s okay. It’s a little, like, chemically, in my opinion. So I get the salsa [unintelligible]. That one’s really good. So I take it with me, and I do not care. I have no shame. And anyway, they all have soda. Soda machines, literally, oh my gosh. Anyway, and I don’t like that. And I, growing up, obviously, I was not exposed to that luxury, you know, like, soda. Soda was a luxury in my home. I didn’t drink soda unless it was, like, a quinceanera or a wedding or a birthday party. But at even birthday parties, my mom would let me, like, mm-mm. It was more mainly just, like, like, juices. Or, like, even if it was soda, it was, like, watered down, because we had to split it in between all of us. But, mm-mm. 

Lux: But now that you have access to it . . . 

Sophia: Now that I have access to it, like, what’s the point, you know? And it doesn’t even encourage me being healthy on campus. And I live on campus, so it’s, like, oh, I can’t. And the fact that there’s no, like, near food places around, I’m, like, I can’t resort to that. And at Kahlert, you’re required to have a meal plan. And then I choose the most cheapest one, which is not really cheap. It’s, like, the eight-plan one, which is, like, eight meals a week. So I have one meal a day. And I try to do it at dinner or even at lunch. But it’s not that great. 

Lux: That sounds, like, super nutritionally bad.

Sophia: It’s so bad. It’s so bad. And, oh, my gosh, the food is not good. Anyway, so I beg my mom, like, “Mommy, can you make me, like, I don’t know, mole?” And I’ll go to, like, Smith’s to buy rice. My roommate and I have a rice cooker in our dorm, and we make rice. I introduced my roommate to salmon for the first time. She’s never had salmon. Salmon is, like, a luxury food at my home. So when we bought salmon, my mom was, like, “Oh, my gosh, I bought salmon. Let me give some to you so you can give some to your roommate.” And I was, like, “Okay.” She loved it. But then the dining hall had, like, salmon. It was, like, a special occasion that they had salmon. It’s the nastiest thing we’ve ever tried. And she goes, oh, my Gosh . . . my roommate. She’s so sweet. She’s, like, “Oh, my gosh.” She almost threw up. So I was, like, oh, my gosh, don’t throw up. But no, like, food is, like, a whole other option. And it’s so expensive here. Like, it’s so, for saying, oh, my gosh, we have so many resources. I get told all the time, we have so many resources here. Like, do you ever have to feel like you can go hungry? And I’m, like, hungry. I am hungry. And the food here is not good. And it’s so expensive. Don’t even get me started on the market. I had an emergency once where my eyes, I had an allergic reaction to something, and my eyes started getting itchy. Again, like, I’m Hispanic, so we don’t go to the hospital for these things. So I just do home remedies. So I would put, like, warm socks on my eyes to, like, ease the pain or the itchiness. And I couldn’t. And my roommate was, like, “Oh, I think…” And it was really late at night. So my roommate and I have, like, this rule where we don’t go past 5 p.m. on the tracks because there’s a lot of creeps where we did get harassed a couple times. So we try to avoid it. Or at least when the sun is down, you know, we make sure if we do go,we go during the day. So we’re, like, oh, shoot. It’s, like, 9 p.m. And my roommate’s, like, “Oh, my gosh. What are we going to do?” So we’re, like, you know what? Let’s just go to the market, which is in the Honors, like, the Honors housing. So we went in. I had to get, like, these eye drops for my eyes. To help the itchiness or whatever. They’re, like, $10. And it’s, like, a tiny little container. My ring finger. $10. I used Flex. So I was, like, I feel like I wasn’t spending money, but I was. But I was, like, oh, my gosh. I can’t believe I’m paying $10 for this. 

Lux: Speaking of how expensive things are on campus, whether that’s food,housing, textbooks, tuition, do you feel like your status as a first-gen student had an impact on your ability to pay tuition or, getting into FAFSA and getting that support? Or do you feel like you were able to be supported through that stuff?

Sophia: I fortunately had my older brother go through this process already. I’m very much grateful. Like, high school, like, middle school, like, my mom already had a kid that she already went through that. But it was a little bit more different for me since I didn’t get a full-ride scholarship. So I definitely…it was a first. It wasn’t a first me applying or me applying for FAFSA. But it was a first for me paying for college because my older brother did not have to pay. He was fortunate enough that he didn’t have to pay, but I did. So I literally, I kid you not, this was probably the most, I think I will be heavily on this. This is the most stressful part of college, is paying for college. You know, the housing scholarship only paid for the housing portion. It didn’t pay for the meal plan. So that actually had to come out of my money, my pocket. 

Lux: And you’re obligated to have a meal plan. 

Sophia: And I’m obligated to live at Kahlert. I know. I know. Insane. Or, like, this scholarship that I got was, oh, like, you can be here for fall and spring, but we won’t pay the meal plan. Or you can be here fall, spring, and summer, but you have to take summer classes. And I’m like, well, my FAFSA doesn’t cover summer classes. I can’t afford summer classes. I would love to live all year round, you know, in an apartment by myself, but I can’t afford summer classes. And that was like a hard thing that I had to do. But, you know, I was like, okay, a meal plan it is. And it didn’t even cover the meal plan, like, the meal plan portion. It’s like $3,000 that I have to pay for just the eight plan, which is just eight meals a week. 

Lux: It’s $3,000? And, like, base tuition for, like, 12 credit hours and not just rent? 

Sophia: It’s like about $9,000, which is still a lot. And I, mind you, mind you, I’m already a sophomore credit-wise, so I’m not taking a bunch of, like, my general classes that I’d be paying a lot more, but I’m still shocked at how much it is. Thankfully, thankfully I’ve been blessed with, like, scholarships, but the scholarships are so hard. Don’t even get me started with scholarships. I hate looking for scholarships because there are too many requirements…or too little, and then it’s too competitive. You know, as a first-gen, I came here hoping and praying that I would see much more scholarships for,like, Hispanics, for Latinos, or for first-gen, or for women, for, I don’t know, all these low-income. I was expecting to see a bunch on, like, the utah.academics. That’s my best friend. I know that page like the back of my mind. Anyway, I became best friends with that page, and I would look, and there was nothing. And if there is, it’s too competitive, and I’m less likely to get it because my grades are not, like, wow, wow. Like, they’re good, but they’re not, like, wow, wow. And I know someone who is, like, more…the best at the grades. Like, they’ll get it, but I wish. You know, actually, on Wednesday, the First-Gen [Scholars] had, like, an event. I don’t remember what it was for, but it was, like, talking about, like, oh, the Marriott family is wanting to, like, give funding, and so, like, this study is, like, oh, what do you want to look for? And I heavily pushed on scholarships because I would much rather have a scholarship. I would much have a bunch of small scholarships that build up than a bunch of big ones where I know that other people like me are struggling.You know, I would much rather have $500, $200, $300 because I know they’ll all gather up. But at least this big sum of money that is being donated gets split up to other students because I know that even $500 is a $500 relief, you know? I would much rather prefer to see that than me being, “Oh, my gosh, this scholarship is $5,000. I want it. I want it,” you know? Because someone might be in a worse financial situation than I am. So this is definitely going to be very hard and competitive, you know? And I don’t…and me, when I get scholarships, even though I’m blessed, I, you know, I pray. I pray for those who didn’t get it because I feel so bad. I feel so bad that they didn’t get it because I’ve been there. I’ve been there in their position where I was like, I’ve been bawling my eyes out before because I know I can’t afford something or because I’m like, oh, shoot, like, last semester, I had this huge buzz with my school email and, like, I also was, like, behind on, like, some tuition costs and that was…and that was when I… that’s when I found out that meal plan wasn’t included. I know. So I had $3,000 to pay and I was freaking out and I was like, “Mom, I have no idea what to do. I don’t have a job.” I didn’t get any work-study job. Like, I’ve applied. I didn’t get anything and I’ve applied to everything around campus, nothing. And I couldn’t…like, on the weekends, as a Christian, I do that my Sabbath on Saturdays. So I go to church on Saturday, but there’s, like, no jobs that really will accept one day, you know? And it’s not even that much money. So I was freaking out. I was freaking out. I had to stick with emergency funds through TRIO. I had a…I think I got a scholarship through the First-Gen [Scholars] and a bunch of small scholarships. Like, a bunch of small scholarships, but they added up. So I was like, oh, my gosh. That was probably the one stress…like, the worst stress thing ever because your account was on hold to register for fall classes. And the thing is, it was, like, a week before and I couldn’t even get approved one scholarship yet. And I was like, I need to register for classes. Like, this is all going to be shut down. Like, my FAFSA says I have to be a full-time student. Like, I had to be calling. It was the most stressful…I mean, I’ve been through really stressful, but, like, as a college student, that was probably one of the most stressful things ever. 

Lux: Yeah. I mean, scrambling to find, like, a pot of money here, a pot of money there, and then trying to coordinate all of those different resources with these deadlines that…it seems like…do you feel like there’s, like, the…how do I say this? I guess, do you feel like the climate on campus is compassionate toward folks who are financially struggling or who are the first in their families to attend college? Or do you feel like there’s services, resources, spaces that are designed more for continuing generation students or students who have higher income? And, like, what do you think, like, as far as your experience goes? 

Sophia: As a first-generation student, no. As a woman, maybe. You know, there’s a lot of resources for women. As a Latina, no. But I do see some friends who do live on campus, their resources are much more adequate…I mean, like, they’re much more complete than mine are. Because mine, I feel like when I call through the phone and I’m, like, hours on the phone trying to get through the Office of Financial…and Scholarships office, I’m, like, on the phone for five hours, and, like, they get their…yeah, they get the job done, but, like, they half-ass it. But, like, when I have a friend who’s, like…I had this thing where people were picking housing for next fall semester, and I had a friend whose mom had to call, and I’m, like, oh, my gosh, bless your mom, because my mom won’t. And her mom was on the phone for over, like, seven hours trying to get her daughter into this building because there was, like, a wrong thing on the website, and I’m, like, “Look, I’m so sorry that happened to you, but you are lucky. Okay, let me tell you, because if I was on the phone for seven hours, I don’t even think I would have been placed in that housing, that building.” But I’m, like, mm-mm, I don’t think…like, for first-gen, like, even if they say, oh, we have here opportunities, like, for mental health, like, the Financial Wellness Center, and I’m, like, “Oh, that’s great, but you’re not really asking me what I really need.” 

Lux: Yeah. 

Sophia: You know, Alex today, he said that for his capstone project it was to, like, truly see what first-gen really need, you know? I don’t see that being done here on campus. I don’t see people asking me to…you know, like, I get freaking emails from the vice president saying, oh, my gosh, please do this survey to see how well you’re doing on campus and why you chose it. I’m, like, okay, but it’s not really asking me as a student. It’s asking me why I picked it so that you get an award, but it’s not really for me, you know? And that’s the struggle part because here on campus it’s, like, so promoted that, like, we love our first-gen students, we love our diversity, but it’s not…like, you’re not…But there are resources. Like, no se nota. You know, like, all these words are coming out of your mouth, but I don’t see action being done to it. It’s, like, ask…like, when you’re telling someone to change, “Hey, I need you to change this and this and this.” They’re like, “Oh, my gosh, I will change and I will change,” but they don’t do it. And that’s the hardest part for me.

Lux: Have you found that there are many resources or services on campus that are designed specifically for first-gen students? Or do you feel like there might be a shortage of those, in that case? 

Sophia: The only resource that actually helped me was the First-Gen [Scholars] space. Okay. Like, I’m not kidding. I get hungry throughout the day, and I’m, like, I’m not gonna waste my meal plan if I can’t stay there for, like, an hour and a half, like, an hour plus. So I think the First-Gen [Scholars] space, because they have Hot Pockets, they have taquitos. Like, they have all these little things that I can snack on throughout the day. So that has helped me a lot. I can’t think of any other first-gen resource…TRIO…TRIO has helped me a lot.TRIO is for low-income and first-generation, so TRIO has helped me a lot. One thing that is a little bit disappointing about TRIO is that they don’t help, like, if you weren’t born in the U.S. That’s the one thing, and that makes me sad, because they have a bunch of programs. But not even then. Like, as much as I love TRIO, I already had the advantage of working with TRIO Upward Bound at UVU. Say there’s these many students, and they need to get, like, up here. [Gestures with her hand] I’m already up here [gestures lower with her hand], and everyone, and all the resources that they have are for people that need to get here [gestures higher with her hand]. And so they don’t have enough for me. They’re like, “Oh, we have…we can give you…” They literally have free classes to give for students. They give free math classes, free writing, free…just general courses. I already have most of my generals done. And the generals that I do need to get finished, they don’t have available. So I, I’m, like, kind of in a dilemma. I’m like, dang, I actually have to pay this out of my money. 

Lux: It sounds like a lot of those resources are kind of aimed at first-year, first-gen. 

Sophia: Yes. Yes. 

Lux: And there’s not a lot of support for second-year and beyond. 

Sophia: A lot of scholarships are for first-years only. 

Lux: Yeah. 

Sophia: And I…that pisses me off, because I’m like, I didn’t get the scholarship my first year. Come on, like, ramp up your thing. I don’t know if it’s, like, the universities want to promote more first-years, more students that are coming in. That’s why they have scholarships. But I think that’s a dumb way of thinking about that, because then you have, what, higher drop rates, or what? Like, and legitimately, most of the people who drop out are either first-gen or POC. Like, that’s…that’s stupid. Anyway, but yeah, like, it’s only targeted toward, for first-gen, like, first-gen, first-year. First-year.

Lux: So, like, no, no broader sources of support anywhere on campus?

Sophia: No. 

Lux: Wow.

Sophia: No, not even, like, college programs…My college, they, they offer, sometimes, free tutoring, but not even, like…

Lux: Not consistent.

Sophia: Yeah. It’s, like, random. It’s, like, “Hey, you guys are doing free tutoring on, like, this day,” and I’m, like, oh, I work. You know? 

Lux: It doesn’t really meet the needs of a broader audience.

Sophia: Exactly. It’s just, it’s, it’s very hard here, you know? And definitely, like I said before with my older brother, he didn’t have to go through none of this. Like, he didn’t have to pay any, like, loans or, like, none of that. He was very privileged, and, like, he would joke, “Oh, my gosh, I’m a college student, I’m broke.” And I’m, like, “Dude, shut up because you don’t have to pay for college. You literally have…you don’t get it. You won’t, I don’t think you’ll ever get it.” And as much as I love my brother, he was a little bit more naive and ignorant with what he…the things that he was saying. And I’m, like, “Dude, like, don’t say anything, because people…there are homeless students here on campus, and you are living, literally living in, like, at the Honors College. So, don’t, don’t say it.” And that’s, like, one of the most beautiful, cleanest buildings on campus. And  the business building…Oh, don’t even get me started on the buildings. It’s so bad. I hate the buildings here. The elevators don’t work. There’s…it’s not accessible. I have a friend who’s in a wheelchair. It’s not accessible at all. And then I had a friend who had, like, surgery, so she couldn’t walk. It’s not accessible at all. It’s all uphill. There’s the–what’s it called–the bus? Not the bus.

Lux: Oh, the shuttle. 

Sophia: The shuttle. Yeah. The shuttle is so inconsistent. It doesn’t take you to literally everywhere. It’s, like, oh, if I live on Upper Campus, I have to go to the Union, but then I have to walk to the School of Law, and there’s…there’s no shuttle that passes by there. It goes to President’s Circle. I don’t need to go to President’s Circle. That’s more of a walk. Anyway, I think that’s so stupid. Like even at night, they have the Safe Utah…I like that. That was, like, the one plus. I actually used that once because we were up at Sage Point, and I lived at Kahlert, and I was with my friend. And we’re, like, we’re girls. I don’t know. I’ve heard some sketchy stories already this semester about, like, girls feeling uncomfortable because of other guys. And so I’m, like, “We should take, we should take this. So let’s use it. It’s, it’s up for grabs. Free. Let’s do it.” So we did it. One time, though, I had a friend who…my friend who got the surgery, she’s been using that to get around campus, literally, and I feel terrible for her because it was late for her every single time. And she was late to most of her classes. That was, like, the first week. So she realized that she had to up her thing. She’s, like, ordered it in advance and, like, all of this. And it was very stressful for her. 

Lux: It sounds like it involved a lot of preparation and coordination that was kind of like…who expects to do that? 

Sophia: Exactly. And she was…she’s, like, this type of girl that has, like, a set schedule and time. Like, she’s doing a lot of studying. But, like, it’s insane to me how she, like, did that to me while she was studying. 

Lux: Yeah, that would be so challenging. I can’t imagine. There was something that you mentioned that I wanted to circle back to. Do you think that your first-gen status, first-gen student status has impacted your academic success? Like, as far as connecting with faculty, them having an understanding of what it’s like to be first-gen even. 

Sophia: No, faculty definitely don’t care. Like, I have two online classes, and then I have three in-person. I mean, thankfully, I haven’t had, like, any worse experiences here at the University of Utah, but it’s, like, it doesn’t matter. “You’re a student. You’re paying me, you know?…You know what, I’m just going to get through the lesson. Have any questions, I’ll answer them. But if you don’t, I won’t, and I won’t ask you if you have any questions.” You know, kind of, that kind of vibe. 

Lux: Like where you have to ask for stuff rather than them getting this, like, having an understanding of what students might actually need? 

Sophia: Yes. And it was, I mean, I’ve asked questions throughout class, and, like, other students will look at me, and they’re, like…you know, like, they give those looks, and I’m, like, “This is my education just as much as it is yours.” But definitely, unless I don’t ask for it, it will not be provided. Yeah. Will not be provided. But, yeah, I, thankfully, I haven’t had any, like, bad experiences here, but it’s, like, I’m just like every other student. It’s, like, my first-gen status doesn’t even matter because, I mean, for the most of it, like, I’m learning how to study again, you know? I don’t know how to, like, read this much material. And some of my classes give, like, 30, 40 pages every day. And so, like, I’m learning, and when I ask questions, their questions are kind of, like, vague-ish. Like, they don’t really understand it a little bit. I’m like, oh, like, what are some tips? This is what I asked my comparative…no, my political analysis professor because it’s an online class…”What kind of tips do you give me to, like, actually grasp the reading that I’m reading?” Because there’s a lot of big words that I’m still not there yet understanding, and she goes, “Oh, just reread it.” 

Lux: Oh, that’s super helpful. 

Sophia: And I’m like, I don’t got time. 

Lux: Yeah. 

Sophia: Like, I have to read things out loud. When I read long passages or long papers or do whatever, I have to read it out loud for me, for my brain to get it. And then she’s like, “Oh, just reread it.” And I’m like, “Reread it? This takes me forever already reading out loud. I don’t have enough time for that. Like, is there any…?” They just expect you to have these, like, available resources, like time and money. And she’s very high in her position, so I expected to hear much more, like, advice. “Oh, try doing this. Like, try taking notes. Try printing.” I’m like, “Okay, if it involves print,” I thought to myself, “oh, maybe she’s going to tell me, like, to print it and, like, draw on it.” No. She just said, reread it. And I’m like, oh, my gosh. This girl. I don’t got time. I have other classes that I need to worry about. I have work. I have study time. Like, if I want to be successful in your class, I also can’t forget that I have other successfulness that I have to achieve in other classes. And so it’s kind of like high school all over again a little bit where teachers expected, “Oh, you need to do this for my class.” And I’m like, “I have eight other classes that I need to worry about.” “Oh.” They forget that I’m a student that has seven other teachers and I have assignments for all those teachers. Like, me already doing the homework for all of my classes is good enough. I’m sorry, like, I forgot to turn this in one day, you know? And, like, not even that. Like, I was a good student back then. But, like, even when I’m like, “Oh, what tips do you have on doing this?” Like, they’re vague answers. They’re very vague, and it doesn’t really necessarily help me as a student that’s very confused in the moment to answer it. 

Lux: And they’re not tailoring these answers to your needs, it sounds like. 

Sophia: No. Or, like, my comparative politics class. This one’s a lecture class. So it’s like an in-person. And sometimes I have him go back and, like, explain. Or if I’m not understanding, like, a certain concept, I just ask him to explain. He explains it basically the same way. And as much as I need to up my…I’m not the best student either. But I’m trying my best to understand what these big words mean. Especially politics. In politics, like, there’s words and words and words and words. And they all mean something different. But I all have to connect it. But if I’m confused on this and this, I ask. They’re not really giving me an alternative explanation of what it means. Or, like, dumb it down a little. I would much rather have professors dumb down the question or dumb down their explanation so that I can understand it better. Sometimes I literally have Chat GPT explain certain questions because if I don’t understand it, I’m like, “Hey, can you ask this question as if I was a fifth grader, a sixth grader?” to see if I’m getting it. And then I ask it, “Oh, if I was a freshman in high school…” And then I see if I understand it more. Because the questions that they’re asking me is very hard. Like, they’re very hard. 

Lux: And it sounds like once you’re outside of generals, especially, professors expect you to have a handle on the jargon in these different disciplines. 

Sophia: Very. 

Lux: And you’re like, “This is the first time I’m encountering this jargon. Like, it would be useful to have some explanation here for these complex topics.”

Sophia: Very. 

Lux: Especially when you’re trying to get clarity and they repeat the same stuff. 

Sophia: And it’s so stressful because after every assignment, especially for my major classes, I’m doing political science and international studies. International studies is not as like…these jargon, these words that they’re using. They’re so long. But my political science, there’s all these words. So every class, like the classes that I have, I’m taking two major classes right now. Political analysis and comparative politics. I love what we’re learning. I love it. I mean, I like learning about this. Oh, my gosh, I love it. Yes. I love this. I can’t believe why. I don’t understand why I like it, but I do. But when I’m reading the assignments or every lecture, after every lecture or every assignment, they have like 10 to 20 words, maybe 25 words that are new, that are brought up in the lesson, that are brought up in the lecture that I have to learn. And I’m like, oh, my gosh, I thought a medical student was supposed to be doing this, not me. And they literally…most assignments and most lectures, they expect me to learn it by next class. And I only have a day in between. And by that day, I have a class. So I’m like, oh, my gosh, like this is stressful. I mean, and then it’s not like I get enough time to write down the words in my notebook real quick, you know, during the lecture because they talk so fast. They talk so, so, so fast. And I just like I have no time. I literally…I have pictures on my phone of my previous lecture because he goes by it so fast. 

Lux: You have a lot of really clever strategies to deal with these issues because it doesn’t sound like, when you’re asking for additional support, that you’re getting it. So it takes a lot of creativity and like being innovative on your part for like, “How am I going to get this content? How will I learn this if the person who’s teaching me isn’t understanding that this is all introductory to this class? We don’t have the same jargon in our discourse. This is unique to that field. So, yeah, that has to be so challenging to keep up with…And especially because you have multiple classes and you’re probably doing, like, four or five hours of work every week per class at least. So it adds up. And you like you said, you also work. Do you work full-time? 

Sophia: I’m a part- time student at the Bennion Center. I work at the Bennion Center. Yes, I’m the marketing and communications coordinator. 

Lux: Oh, wow. Yeah. 

Sophia: That honestly, it’s not that bad. I was expecting it to be much more like work, work, work, work. But I mean, every request that I get to do flyers or–probably you’ve seen them all around campus. Like I’ve made those–those are really easy because it’s like I’m playing a game on the computer. So I’m like, oh, this is actually cute. This is really cute. I like this here. And so I do that. And I end that. I can finish that real quick, depending on what the project is. I usually finish it the day it’s assigned to me. Well, because I do nothing at the Bennion Center. Brett’s going to hear this. [Laughs] So I work as marketing communications coordinator. But as a work study, like student leader, I work at the front desk. So if people come in, I answer questions, phone, I answer questions. That is if I work at the Bennion Center. At Kahlert, they also have an office. At Callard, it’s literally just a desk with a back room. And I just sit there. And if people have questions, they can literally ask me. And if they need to like check out some like service corner hours, the stuff is in the back and I get it. And then I give it to them very fast. So I’m doing the homework most of the time that I’m there, which I’m very blessed. I’m very blessed. Oh, my gosh. And I’m so thankful that I’m doing homework during the times I work. Because I don’t think if I actually was busy during these times, I think I would have been…Actually, I don’t think I’d be passing my classes right now. But. 

Lux: Yeah, it’s a lot to manage simultaneously, all these different priorities. 

 

S: I got given the option to do 10 hours or 12 hours a week. And I’m like, I can’t afford school. So I’m going to do 12 hours a week. Even if I…even the 12 hours, it’s not that bad. It’s not that bad. I like it. I like it. But yeah. No, and I think that’s you saying I’m coming up with all these things on how to manage these. I mean, that’s me being first-gen. 

Lux: Yeah. 

Sophia: That’s like a habit. Yeah. I have to. I don’t have my mom to help me. She’s never gone through this. And I don’t have her. I mean, she works, too. She has my little brother and my grandma to watch. We don’t live together. My dad’s in a whole other country. He’s never been through that either. Time difference is also a big problem. I don’t have… My older brother is his own person. He has his own career. He lives in another state. So I can’t really…I got to do it on my own. I have to. I have no choice. If I want to pass these classes–they are for my major so I have to. I have to. I have no choice. Because my teachers won’t help me. I guess I have to help myself for these things, which is kind of stupid. But what can you do? 

Lux: In the conversations I’ve had with first-gen students about their experiences in school, you are a truly resourceful group of folks who have lots of experience, pre-university, with navigating these complex systems–and without any guidance. You learn it on your own. 

Sophia: And the university sometimes doesn’t even help you. And that’s what I’m saying. First-Gen [Scholars] has helped a lot. They have provided resources for me. They have provided scholarships. They have provided food. And they have provided educational supplies. They have provided these things, which I’m very grateful. One thing that the university does not provide is information. Ugh! I hate going online when I know I need to go online. And the university always encourages you to do everything over email or to look for it yourself. But when I’m looking on this on the computer, I look, I tap whatever I need to, and I cannot find what I need to find. And I’m like, I have to resort to using the phone. But I don’t want to resort to using the phone because last time I was on the phone, that was five hours that I had to wait. And I don’t want to wait five hours. 

Lux: That’s incredible.

Sophia:  And then even if I wait five hours, they half-ass the job that they need to do, and they’re not even happy with their job that they’re helping me. I mean, I would love to have your job so that I can know what to do as well for my situation. But I know I’m struggling. Why are you making me more stressed than I am before? Anyway, it’s just…I see all over campus. And I remember going to Orientation…New Student Orientation. And, like, the student leaders that I see all around campus…So I said I work at the Bennion Center, and I see a lot of student tours. Yeah. I see it everywhere. And I just hear the orientation leaders, and I hear them doing their job. As much as I know that they’re doing their job, they don’t 100% believe everything that they’re saying. I know, like, 10 student orientation leaders, and they’re like, “Yeah, we just have to say it.” Like they have to. 

Lux: Oh, it’s scripted. 

Sophia: Yeah, a little bit more scripted. Like obviously it comes out of their words, but they have to like, you know…

Lux: They’re obligated to say certain things? 

Sophia: They’re like, “Oh yeah, we have therapy available here,” but they’re not telling how you have to wait, like, almost two months to get an appointment, you know. Like they’re not being transparent, which I wish colleges were a little bit more transparent. 

Lux: And it sounds like you have to dig for that information once you do need it. And at point-of-need, you’re already pretty stressed out or anxious. 

Sophia: And it doesn’t help with the fact that most students are embarrassed. Yeah. It doesn’t help. You know what? I’m already struggling. Some people will say, “Oh, my pride is already hurting because I’m on the phone. I’m asking for help. You don’t have to make me feel worse for asking or for wanting help,” you know. 

Lux: Yeah, absolutely. 

Sophia: And, like, student leaders are promoting, “Oh my gosh, we have all these resources. We have this for you. It’s available for you.” But is it really available for me? Why am I paying for printing? One thing, though, that I love…I’m telling you, I’m broke. I’m poor. I had no computer going into college. Like my mom, she lost her job about a year ago. It was during Christmas time. So she lost her job. And so I knew that me paying for college was going to be even harder. And I knew that she was not going to be able to help. I just knew it. And so I couldn’t afford to get a laptop. I never had a computer. Like I actually got this phone when I turned 17. So I’m very fairly new to having technology, a computer, and stuff like that. That was like a luxury that I had at home. So computers were not available to me. They were not accessible to me growing up. I had to go to the library to get stuff printed, school…Like I was constantly, I think I was a teacher at a school. You know when teachers say, “Oh, yeah, I get here at 6 a.m. But I leave here at like 5.30.” Me, too. I was doing homework in the libraries. I became best friends with the librarian at my school. He was a ton of help. He was probably one of the biggest role models that I have. I had another teacher, and I would ask them like, “Hey, would you print this for me?” And it was like literally documents that my mom would ask me to print. Because, again, it was not accessible to us. The library still made us print. The library would make us pay money. Even though it was cents, I would much rather not pay in order for me to print. So I would just like, you know what? I had a trusted teacher, and I’m like, “Hey, can you print this for me?” It was literally, like, legal documents that I had to print for my mom. She’s like, “Oh, my gosh, girl, no worries.” So it made me feel a little safe. But here, I didn’t know I had to do that. I didn’t know I had to, like, pay. I know it’s not that expensive. But still, like I’m a student. Like these resources are supposed to be free. 

Lux: Yeah, and you’re paying.

Sophia You already pay student fees, like up the wazoo, including student success fees, things like that. So like adding on all these additional charges. I was thinking about those. So I was in high school thinking about, oh, my gosh, I have to save money for this, this, this, and this. And then I forgot. I literally forgot until maybe like a week after I graduated. I was like,” I need a laptop.” I was like, “I see every college student with a laptop. I need one.” So I was freaking out. I was like, how am I going to do this? How am I going to do this? I found out through the First-Gen [Scholars] space that you could rent laptops here at the library. And that is exactly what I did. I rented it. And I took it home. And I was like, I called my mom. I was like, “Mom, you’re not going to believe it. I’m renting a laptop. I don’t have to worry about, like, getting one right now. Like, we can save for one.” Oh, my gosh. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And when I had to renew my laptop for this semester, I actually got one like the Apple, like, the newest ones. And I was like, oh, my gosh, so fancy. Do I know how to use it? 

Lux: If you ever need a hand, just let me know. 

Sophia: Thanks, Lux. I tell myself like that…I think this is like a dumb way of thinking, but I tell myself, “Oh, my gosh, I can ask Lux for help. Or I can ask Joanna or Linda, Kevin.” But I tend to like, “Oh, no, they’re probably busy.” You know? I’m taking myself…I’m trying to take that mindset out of my brain. Because you’re always in class. You’re like in class. You’re like, “Guys, come to me. Like, let’s do something together.” I’m like, “Okay.” But then I’m like, “Oh, no.” 

Lux: It’s hard to ask for help. 

Sophia: They’re all probably busy. Like, I don’t know. And so I get shy. And so I’m like, ooh, should I? But I’m trying to like, you know, it’s still my first year. So I still have sophomore and junior year. But, no, I’m so thankful that the library actually had this available for students. That is one thing. And they don’t promote this. They don’t promote this. If I had no idea…if I think it was Kevin that said something. And if I had no idea, I think I would literally be in the library on the computers all the time. If Kevin did not say–I think it was Kevin–but I’m trying to imagine, oh, my gosh. Yeah. That’s insane to me. And they don’t promote this kind of thing. They don’t encourage students to do this. Like, I knew this area existed. But unless you’re not in this major, you don’t need it, you know? 

Lux: Yeah. If you don’t have access to folks who are in those spaces and work in those spaces often, it’s really anxiety-inducing trying to engage a service or ask somebody that you don’t know, like, “Is this even available to me?” But, yeah, I can totally see what you mean. It sounds like…I mean, I know for certain that there’s not nearly enough marketing about these resources that we have. But, yeah, especially in programs where we could serve our underserved students a lot better, that’s for sure, you know? 

Sophia: No, honestly, like, I was so blessed when you, like, in class, like, when you would say, “Oh, if, like, you need help with your paper, just let me know.” Thankfully, I haven’t had, like, any big, big paper. And I actually was aware through a friend that you can actually go online and, like, submit a paper for, like, the Writing Center to check. I had no idea. Like, they don’t promote these kinds of things. I knew that there was a Writing Center, but what I’ve been told is that you had to make an appointment to go in, and I don’t have that kind of time to go in. And if I were to have that time, I’d have to make space for me to go in. So, like, okay, I have Lux to help me with that if I ever need one. So, okay. So, but, like, now I’m, like, trying to get myself out of that mindset…I love to help people. I tell my roommate all the time of all the resources that we have because she’s not involved in First-Gen [Scholars]. So, she didn’t have enough. Like, she has a class during our Thursday and Friday cohorts. So, I always am, like, “Hey, like, there’s a first-gen…Like, you’re a first gen student. That is available to you. Like, the food is available to you. Like, on your legal documents to the U, it says you’re first-gen. So, you can literally, you’re, like, these are accessible to you.” And so, she’s like, “Oh, thank you so much. Like, I had no idea.” So, I’m like, see what I mean? 

Lux: I think that’s probably the main way that students find out about resources is, like, peer-to-peer. It’s wild. 

Sophia: Oh, yeah. 

Lux: So, on campus, I know there’s, like, a big initiative around student belonging. I would love to hear your perspectives and your experiences around that. Do you feel like the university itself has done a good job of helping folks to feel like they belong here and they’re part of a community? 

Sophia: The reason why I joined the Diversity Scholars was because I wanted a community. Because throughout high school, I didn’t. I didn’t have friends throughout high school. I know I was technically a popular kid, but I clicked with everyone so that I could feel like I could belong. But I didn’t really. I didn’t really. Those weren’t really my friends. So, I joined the Diversity Scholars for that reason. I was, like, diverse. That’s what we have in common. Let’s use it to our advantage. I made one or two friends out of the 50 students. But in my defense–so, again, I’m not a party person. I don’t like partying. I’m a very homebody person. A lot of the diversity cohorts would like to go out on Fridays, Thursdays, Saturdays. My Sabbath entails Friday sunset through Saturday sunset. So, they’re like, “Oh, Sophi, like, let’s go out.” And I’d be like, “Oh, no, like, I’m good. Like, it’s my Sabbath. You guys have fun. Be safe. You know, I’ll be praying for your safety.” That’s what I would say. Yeah. But ever since I would tell them that I was like, “Oh, I’m a Christian, I don’t do this,” they would stop inviting me to things. And I’m like, “I know where you stand. It’s okay. You’re your own person.” Okay. But because of where I live, this is my bug. So, this is, say, this is the diversity cohort [holds up phone and gestures to it]–we’ll use your phone, too–Okay, this is the diversity cohort at Kahlert. And these…like, this big chunk is where the bathrooms are. And all around is where the rooms are. And then right in this section is the communal area. So, I live, like, over here. I am not over there where all of them are buddy-buddy. They see each other all the time. When they come out, they’re in the communal area. I don’t know half of the people there. And the thing is, with the Diversity Scholars, they’re, like, they’re split. There are some people who live on campus, which these [gestures to other phone], and there are some people who don’t live on campus, which is the class that I was in. So, I was in that class, which was, like, 50 students. I did not know these people. I had no idea who these were. When I would go out to wash my dishes, they’d be, like, “Who is that girl?? You know what I mean? So, I definitely didn’t have the sense of belonging right away. I didn’t. My roommate, bless her soul, she’s the sweetest person ever. She had no idea who I was for the longest time. And because we had, like, a little get-together before school even started, and I did not know who she was because she was in this class and I was in the other class, if that makes sense. 

Lux: Yeah.

Sophia: So, I didn’t feel like I belonged at all. I didn’t feel like I belonged at all. And I was really lonely. Like, the friends that I met out, like, in my other classes, they were more party people. Like, they did drugs and, like, alcohol. And I was like, I’m not, I’m not for that vibe. I already have a chronic illness. I don’t want to kill myself even more. So, I’m like, oh, I’m good. And, like, I did go once to a party…a frat house…oh, nasty. 

Lux: I believe it. 

Sophia: So nasty. I went to a party once, and I hated it. Like, I’m like, why do I put myself through these? In high school, when I would go, like, school dances, I would literally only go because of my friends. And I didn’t even have friends. It was because their friend needed a date, so he asked me, you know, like, those kind of things. But I didn’t even like it. I didn’t enjoy the party. I don’t like the dancing. I don’t like touching people like that. Like, really gross. And that’s exactly what the frat party was. I didn’t enjoy it. I told myself, “Why did I go if I knew I wasn’t going to enjoy it?” So, I don’t go out. I don’t go out Fridays. I don’t, I don’t go, I tend to go home on Fridays. After I work, I take the Trax, and then I take the Front Runner right to Orem. Or I go to church, because there’s, like, an event going on. But, like, I don’t, but that’s not the point, though. Like, I know I have a community in my church, and I know I have a community, like, -ish back home. But the point is, I’m living here on campus, so that I can gain a community through people on campus, so that I could be more involved through campus. And I definitely didn’t. But First-Gen [Scholars] has helped a lot for that. Ian and Junior, they always encourage us to, like, get involved, even if we feel uncomfortable. And they’ve got me involved…well, they’ve encouraged me to get involved with the Bennion Center, and that’s the reason why I got the job. But I don’t think I would have gotten the job if they didn’t say anything. Hey, guys, like, we had, like, a serious talk, and they’re like, “Hey, you guys need to get, like, uncomfortable right now.” Like, and we’re, I was like there’s, like, only four freshmen in our group. And so, and everyone was, like, telling us all of these things. They’re like, “Yeah, you have to get uncomfortable a little bit to do things.” And I was like, I have to get uncomfortable. But if Junior and Ian said it, I have to. And so I did it, and I got the job. And then when I told them, we were, like, they all celebrated. Gabby brought in, like, cookies. And it was really sweet. But, like, I hadn’t, I didn’t have that sense of belonging. But because of my Christian background, and I come in here, and I’m, like, trying to make friends, I couldn’t, I couldn’t really make friends, because my beliefs were not with, like, their beliefs. And I didn’t even have fun with them, even if I didn’t do what they did. I felt really lonely. Like, I felt really lonely. Like, I had my community, but I, it was, like, back home. And, like, I had my first-gen community, but the majority of them don’t even live on campus. So I was kind of, like, struggling and struggling. I’m like, “Oh, what am I going to do?” Like, honestly, I kid you not, I thought about it back in October or November. I thought about transferring to UVU so I could be closer to home because I was so lonely. I was like, at least I’ll know someone there, you know. But I met a girl, actually, in my diversity cohort. Her name is Anjali. Bless her so. I love her. It was slushy. It was, like, snowing that morning. This is going to be a funny story, actually. It was snowing that morning, and I wake up, and I look outside the window. My roommate and I live on the fourth floor, so we always have our window open so that we can see the sunrise and the sunset. And it started snowing, and my roommate goes, “Oh, my gosh.” She’s from southern Utah, like, Blanding, Navajo, like, that area, Navajo Nation. So, like, right over there. It doesn’t get a lot of snow. So I’m like, “Oh, no, it’s snowing.” And she goes, “Oh, my gosh, they need to cancel school.” And I’m like, it was, like, slush. And I’m like, “No, they won’t cancel school for this.” She learned that the hard way because we’ve had really tough weather where we did have to, like, walk to classes. So, anyway, I think that was so funny. So that day that I woke up to go to class, it was a Friday. No. It was a Thursday. I see my friend Anjali, and we were walking together. She’s from California, so it was the first time she saw snow ever falling from the sky. So she was like, oh, my gosh. She was so cute. So she’s, like, looking up and enjoying it touching your hand. And she had an umbrella. She’s like, “Do you want to walk with me? Like, I’m walking this way. I’m going to go talk to a friend who lives in, goes to Baylor, but the hour difference is different. So I woke up really early so I could chat with her.” And I’m like, okay. And so she invited…so she was part of this Christian organization called Inner Varsity. It’s called IV here at the U. And so I was like, okay. She’s like, “Hey, we have, like, this large group at night, tonight at, like, 7. Do you want to come?” And I’m like, “Sure. Why not?” And that is an instance where, Junior and Ian are like, “If you feel, uncomfortable, I think you should take the leap.” And so I was like, “Okay.” I actually liked it a lot. I liked it a lot. Definitely there was, like, no, like, hot, sweaty, like, frat boys around. So it was, like, definitely not my expectation. So I really enjoyed it. You know, helped me get closer to my faith. It was really…it was a really, it was a nice moment. Now I have more friends because of that. And it’s fun because these friends within Inner Varsity, I have, like, much more closer values than I do with, like, my friends in my cohort. Like, now I know more people, but I’m not as close with them as I am with Inner Varsity. Because with Inner Varsity, like, literally last night, we went line dancing instead of, like, drugs and alcohol, which is actually what they did last night. And they came around the same time I came back, like, late at night. They were…they reeked of alcohol. But I definitely am not that crowd. I mean, I’m glad that they were safe. “I’m glad that you guys had fun.” I had fun, too, and I didn’t have to do none of that. But, so…it created this community where I actually felt happy on campus. I would go to every Friday, like, every Thursday night. I invited some of the girls to my church, and they really liked it. They met some people from my church, and now we all get together, and we go to dinner, or we have breakfast together, or we get lunch at this cafe. And it’s just, like, really sweet because now I know I don’t like going out, but I know that going out is probably necessary for human development, like, especially for social development. So, I’m like, as much as I don’t like it, I have to get better at this. So…like, I go out, and I actually enjoy my time because we’re not doing things that I don’t approve of, you know? 

Lux: Yeah, like, things that don’t align with your values. 

Sophia: Yeah. I mean…Yesterday, it was my first time line dancing. So much fun. I was sweating like crazy, but at least I wasn’t being touched by sweaty people. Oh, I hate being touched by sweaty frat dudes. Like, sometimes they get it. Oh, my gosh.Thursday nights here on campus, there’s this frat that has parties Thursday and Friday nights. And so, sometimes when my roommate and I go out on late walks, we like to go walking. And we’re together, and we have our pepper spray, so we’re, like, walking around.Sometimes when we go back, these frat dudes coming back from a party get in the same elevator as us. And they’re all sweaty, and they make the elevator hot. 

Lux: [Laughs] Probably have some odors, too, huh? 

Sophia: Disgusting. 

Lux: So, we should probably start wrapping up a little bit. 

Sophia: Yes.

Lux: But I do have one last question for you. 

Sophia: Yes.

Lux: So, we’ve talked about a lot of stuff, but I want to kind of circle back to how you’ve mentioned that you found great community with First-Gen Scholars and that this has given you opportunities to practice stretching and doing those things that you’re like, “Well, I don’t know if I want to do that, but this is going to help me to grow.” What kind of advice do you have or even, like, something that you would just like to express to future first-gen students?

Sophia: I would love to tell future first-gen [students] to go for it no matter what. You know, there will always be people telling us specifically that we cannot do it, that we have too many barriers or too many circumstances. [Those people] that will say that we’ll fail for that reason or we won’t go far in our lives, but I think that’s complete bull. Like, I’ve seen my older brother–and I’m going to do this as an example–my older brother, because he’s one of my biggest role models. My older brother, same background, same situation that I’ve been through, you know, like, poverty, like, in high school we felt very lonely. My brother is now an actor in New York. He is one of the hardest workers I’ve ever met. He is the definition of, like, you want something and you go for it. He did it. He is a Hispanic guy in New York, and that is a very competitive, competitive thing to do, especially acting, but he did it, and he was a first-gen. He was a first-gen, and that just shows me that I can do it, too, and thankfully [unintelligible] is another way of me viewing it, a little bit more closer to my experiences, especially financially and socially. First-Gen [Scholars] has shown me that everyone is going through something, and it’s not just you, that you don’t have to feel alone…that me, I can allow myself to be myself around people like me, and I won’t get judged for it, and they are…I mean, First-Gen [Scholars] is, like…the people in the class, they love you. Like, you can feel the love, and you can feel that they care about you. And they want you to make sure that you’re doing good. And they will be your biggest supporters, even if the rest of the world isn’t, like, they will be, and you’ll want to give that to them, too. So if it means getting uncomfortable, you will. Like, you love them, and you will. And you will feel, like, a sense of, like, trust, and you’ll trust their word, and if it means getting uncomfortable to do something, then you will. 

Lux: Yeah, because you’re safe to be vulnerable. 

Sophia: Yes. 

Lux: That is beautiful. Well, thank you so much for talking with me. This has been enlightening and so insightful. 

Sophia: Thank you.

Lux: And, yeah, I’m just really glad that we could share your story as part of this collection.

Sophia: Me, too. I was excited to hear about it.