Interviewers: Lux Darkbloom & Jimena Prieto Andrew
Interview Subject: Yahir 

Yahir: My name is Yahir. I am a sophomore here at the University of Utah. I am currently studying game design and doing a minor in business. 

Lux: And so you’re doing game design and minoring in business? 

Yahir: Yes, I am. 

Lux: And so as far as your family composition goes, do you have siblings? 

Yahir: Yes, I have six siblings. I am the youngest. And technically one semi-adopted nephew, but he’s like 27, something like that. 

Lux: Alright! We’re both youngest children. Me, too. Big fan. [Laughs] So, getting into the first-gen headspace, what motivated you to pursue higher education? 

Yahir: I think my main reason is my mom. So when I was like around five-, six-years-old, my dad got really sick so he had to move back to Mexico. So, it’s just me and my mom. Since I’m the youngest. There’s like a 15 year difference between me and my second youngest brother. So it was just, like, me and my mom, just growing up and she was really strict. But I feel like, as the years went on, I started to see a reason why she was so strict. She just wanted the best for me. And I think going to middle school, I started to get into the headspace of, “I need to do this for her.” Like going through all the classes and everything, just grades, all that stuff. It was for her. And she always went to parent-teacher conferences. Even if there was a language barrier, there were always translators there. So she would always go. It wasn’t until high school where she started to, I guess you would say “baby” me anymore. And yeah, she’s the main reason why I want to further my education and like to finish college, basically. 

Lux: Did you have, in addition to your mom, any specific role models or mentors who encouraged you to pursue higher ed? 

Yahir: I would say besides my mom, it would be my niece. You probably know her. Yeah, her name is Chelsea. She’s two years older than I am, but we basically grew up together. And just seeing her…it was weird because in elementary school, we were all together until fifth grade. She entered middle school, and then I never saw her in the same school until high school. And that was like a big jump, but we lived together. So it was just like here and there. And just seeing her experience going through middle school, I looked up to her because I would ask so many questions about expectations and stuff like that. And even now in college, she’s been helping me a ton. She’s about to graduate, and it’s crazy how the journey from elementary to all the way over here. 

Lux: So let’s see. What year are you in school? 

Yahir: I’m a sophomore. 

Lux: You’re a sophomore. I think you mentioned that already. Are you a full-time student? 

Yahir: Yes, I am. 

Lux: Nice. And do you have a part-time or full-time job right now?

Yahir: I guess, technically, it’s part-time. I work at the Apollo Burger. But they have a food truck, and my brother is the manager there. So I get like one, two days a week, just when I have the chance, besides homework and stuff like that. 

Lux: Do you find it difficult to manage the work-slash-school-slash-social-life balance? 

Yahir: I feel like managing school is a lot more, I guess, difficult or time-consuming than the other two, mainly because when I get home, there’s so many distractions. So I try my best to just stay on campus, do all the work I need to do, and then go home. That way, if I get distracted, it’s not as bad, because I have stuff already done.

Lux: Do you have a lot of home responsibilities? 

Yahir: I would say just the basic ones, like just cleaning dishes, cleaning the bathroom, stuff like that. I wouldn’t say I have much home responsibilities besides just focusing on school.

Lux: Can you talk a little bit about what it was like for you during your first semester on campus? 

Yahir: I would say I wasn’t overwhelmed by the change. I was just trying to change bad habits. Thinking that high school and college, like the first year, was going to be the same, and realizing that there’s so much more that has to go into college. That means studying outside of class, which I never did in high school, and that was no problem in high school. Even in math classes, I loved math in high school. I got to college, and that was not the case. I took, I think it was Math 1030 or 1050, but I almost failed the class. Just realizing that I needed to do more in terms of studying, going to the TA hours, asking questions, and just actively listening. It’s not until this semester where I’ve really, I guess, grown in the sense that I’m fully taking responsibility of my education.

Lux: Do you think that being first-gen has impacted your choice of major or your future career path? 

Yahir: I would say definitely. Just, like, in the Spanish households, the expectations of college is [you become a] lawyer, engineer, doctor–STEM, basically. That’s how I started. Freshman year, I was a computer science [major with the] emphasis in game design. Just because…Since my parents are on the older side, they don’t really get the whole game designing and stuff like that. I focused on computer science, and then I mentioned that I almost failed the math class. Then, spring semester, I almost failed the other math class. Then, I was looking towards the future and realizing that I had to take Calc 1, Calc 2, and a whole bunch of other classes. I think I got overwhelmed, and that’s when I decided to look for other majors. Since I was already doing the emphasis in games, some classes were able to transfer over, so that’s when I changed to the games major. It’s weird because every time I talk with my dad on the phone–he’s almost 70, which is crazy–but he still has the expectation of something different. He always mentions [me being] a lawyer, something like that. That’s when I started looking towards the business side of things. That’s when I decided to do a minor in business, just to alleviate some of that pressure. Just be like, “Oh, this might not work out, but I still have this backup in case stuff happens.”

Lux: Do you feel like your folks’ influence on your major has had an impact on your ability to be successful in that program? Has it impacted you as far as your mental health goes or anything like that? It sounds like an awful lot of pressure to be very, very successful and have a high-status job. 

Yahir: I feel like the mental side of things, it’s not something talked about in Spanish households. A lot of past family problems that we’ve had is because of mental health and just not communicating, not talking about it. I think that’s also a reason why I didn’t take my freshman year as seriously because it was like an expectation put on top of another expectation and stuff like that. I’m like, “Oh, I’ll just treat it the same as high school and just go with the flow.” That’s just not something that you can go through all four years because it gets more difficult as you move towards your program. 

Lux: Do you think that being first-gen has impacted your ability to pay tuition or to acquire financial aid or navigate those systems at the university?

Yahir: I mean, for sure, because Kevin has been a huge help in FAFSA. FAFSA this year has been such a pain to do, but he’s been a great help talking with the mentors that I’ve been in the groups with. I’ve just started building connections in ways that I didn’t think were possible because, internally, I’m a pretty shy and timid person. I want to say I don’t like meeting new people, but it’s also the pressure of like, “Oh, what do they think of me? What if I say something and they don’t like it? If I offend them, then…” It’s stuff like that. And I think First-Gen [Scholars] has helped a lot in that sense also, just socializing with different people, different backgrounds, and also connecting with previous friends that were younger than me in high school and now they’ve also come to First-Gen [Scholars]. And just being able to reconnect has also been a huge help. 

Lux: Do you think that being first-generation has impacted your academic success? And there’s no right or wrong answer for any of these, I want to say. 

Yahir: I feel like what I said in the past, just doing it for my parents and for my mom especially, has motivated me. And the positive aspects of it, just to be successful and just going through the motions. 

Lux: As far as your social and emotional well-being here on campus goes, do you feel like your status as a first-generation student impacted your social or emotional well-being on campus? Like as far as, do you feel that you have access to the things that you would need as a first-generation student? 

Yahir: I feel like, how do you call it? Face value? No. Like on the surface level, I feel like not quite because you have to look for things. Like I only heard about First-Gen [Scholars] because my niece took it. And just hearing it is a lot more [helpful] than trying to find the connections. Because as first-generation, you don’t know where to look. Just because not having access to that stuff. 

Lux: So the University of Utah is very…they talk a lot about having concern for students’ sense of belonging. And looking at the statistics from the last graduating class, I want to say that around maybe close to 60% of those students who had graduated felt like they had a sense of belonging on campus. As far as your experience goes, what do you feel like in regards to a sense of belonging on campus? Like does the institution itself play a role in that?

Yahir: I feel like, because again, at least within my family, not a lot of mental health was spoken about. So I never knew or currently know how to express certain feelings. And that sense of belonging…I guess, it never came into my mind just because I don’t have experience with stuff like that. But what I can say is that within the university, there have been opportunities for me to be involved that would make me feel like I belong more. One of those is the Latin Student Union, LSU. Like those events, being able to connect with people that are similar to me. Because sometimes in classes it’s, like, sometimes not the case. So just having that helps with that. 

Lux: Yeah, I think that’s also a common experience. Because this is a historically–and continues to be–a predominantly white institution. So there’s not a lot of representation or resources or services that are designed specifically for students who are outside of that dominant culture. Like a culture of whiteness around academia. Knowing that our demographics are very much, and have for a long time, leaned toward our faculty and administration being predominantly white and not seeing a lot of representation for other aspects of identity. Do you feel like that has impacted your sense of belonging on campus? 

Yahir: I feel like in some sense, yes. Just because seeing the faculty or the professors lean more towards one side. It’s hard to initiate conversations with them. I would rather talk to TAs that have more chances of, in my opinion…I feel like I have more of a connection to them. And again, First-Gen [Scholars] has helped a lot because the faculty there are all what I feel like connected to me.

Lux: And in First Gen [Scholars], there’s a unique model for teaching and learning because it’s very peer-driven. Do you feel like that has had an impact on your learning or your being able to access and use resources and services? Like having it be kind of peer-to-peer…and more of a …rather than working in teams, we’re in families instead. What does that look like, I guess, compared to other courses and your feelings of belonging in that space versus other spaces? 

Yahir: Yeah, I feel like even the vocabulary is different. Because as you said, instead of groups, it’s families. And just having that one word is like, “Oh, you’re part of my family now.” So there’s more of a connection between peers and you feel more safe in expressing your emotions and asking for help. Like for me, it was like almost a month ago, I was having really bad anxiety just thinking about the future and thinking about tuition for the future, stuff like that. And being able to talk to my mentor and having their opinions on it, just being able to freely express my emotions and them also having similar experiences also helped a lot.

Lux: Yeah, and being able to talk about that openly without fear of repercussion 

Jimena: Or judgment 

Lux: Or that it’s going to leave that space even. It’s a pretty different model from how we do learning in other settings on campus. I think that we have just one last question. And that is, if you had the opportunity to give advice or–even not advice–offer words of wisdom or share your experience directly with folks who are considering being the first in their families to go to college.

So like folks who haven’t yet entered into the university, what would you say to them about being first-gen and how to be academically successful? 

Yahir: There are a few things I want to mention. One is don’t make the same mistake as I did and think that high school and college–like the first year–is going to be the same. Because it’s not. Again, you have to put more work just into all of your academics, even if you’re taking four or five classes–in comparison to high school, seven, eight–like the workload is a lot more intense. So there’s that. Another one is to just have fun with the whole experience. Join clubs. I’m bad at doing this even though I’m telling them to do it. Join clubs, go to events. Think about joining First-Gen [Scholars] because it’s a great experience to go into a classroom where you do get the sense of belonging. And just seeing people of similar background to you or different backgrounds and getting to know them. And just being able to easily make connections and just having that space of just being able to be yourself and be authentically you. And I guess the last one is don’t be afraid to be vulnerable. Because a lot of first-gen families don’t allow you to be vulnerable. So there’s always that stigma in the households where–even for males, if you show emotion then you’re weak. You have to put up a barrier to show that you’re strong and that you can do it. And sometimes it’s just nice to be vulnerable, let that barrier down and just express your emotions. 

Lux: Yeah, I mean it’s the most natural thing in the world. But yeah, I definitely can see how family and culture plays a big role in that, particularly around mental health. Thank you so much for talking with us today.

Jimena: Thank you

Lux: This was so helpful and insightful and I think it’s going to make a really big difference to other first-gen students, too.